


Us Against The World

by dreamingbook



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-02-24 15:44:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13216923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingbook/pseuds/dreamingbook
Summary: "You're not alone." Eric says but Dele shakes his head. "We kinda are." he replies and somewhere hidden the back of his mind Eric knows it is the truth.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea for this fic a long time ago and I finally came around to writing it. It's a WIP but I basically finished writing it ( here and there there's something missing), so it won't be abandoned. I'll try to post a chapter every week, maybe sooner. At the moment the word count is at approximately 20k but I don't know what the actually word count will be in the end.
> 
> A fic that was very fun to write but is also very dear to my heart.  
> I hope you'll enjoy it and I would very much appreciate it if you could leave some comments and Kudos to let me know if you liked it and what you think about it. ❤️
> 
> I hope everyone has a lovely start into the new year.
> 
> All mistakes are mine

“You have to try this!“ Dele shouts over the loud music before Eric feels something being shoved into his hands. 

The glass is cool beneath his fingertips, different from the sticky warmth choking him. The drink smells like alcohol and fruits but Eric isn’t sure if he should  _ actually _ try it.

 

“What is that?” he asks, eyeing the cocktail suspiciously. He’s never been a man for experiments, a lover of routine and the familiar. The drink in his hand is definitely not familiar. 

 

It’s red and yellow, purple and blue. The flickering lights of the night club making the liquid look strangely like a rainbow. Eric can’t imagine it tasting any good. 

 

He doesn’t have the sweet tooth Dele has. He sniffs at it once, almost poking himself with the purple decor umbrella in the eye.

 

“It’s a cocktail!” Dele exclaims way to enthusiastically before taking a huge sip from his own similar drink. He had stacked his own decor umbrella behind his ear, it’s a sight for sore eyes and Eric rolls his eyes.

 

Dele starts giggling and Eric starts to wonder of how many drinks of this sort Dele already consumed. He clearly seems intoxicated already and Eric can’t blame him. They’re on vacation, there’s no football for at least another four weeks. They have time to relax, time to party and drink alcohol.

 

It’s hot in the club, the smell of sweat heavy and stuffy in the air. The music loud and pounding, the bass ringing in Eric’s ear. It’s electric and buzzin, nothing he’s used to from english clubs. They’re surrounded by dancing bodies, people occasionally bumping into them. They’re standing at the side, not really on the dancefloor, but close enough.

 

It’s not his favorite place on earth to be if Eric’s being honest, but he’s actually enjoying himself a bit. 

He likes the music that is played, making his head feel light, the work and exertion in his bones slowly making place for relaxation.

“Where’s Harry?” He asks when he notices that he most likely won’t get any information out of Dele who’s still sipping at his cocktail seemingly happy, head bopping to the music. He’s dressed in floral patterned white and green swim shorts and a simple white t-shirt that’s glowing in the dark light of the night. It’s an open air club in Ibiza, an island that never sleeps. There are a few stars visible at the sky, something Eric missed in London over the years.

 

“I don’t know actually.” Dele says shrugging, not overly caring. “Probably off somewhere on the dancefloor.” He gestures into the crowd of moving people. It’s not easy to make out anyone more than a vague silhouette. It’s simply too crowded. Just thinking about being in between all those people makes Eric shudder. 

 

He can’t help but huffing out a laugh thinking about Harry Kane on the dancefloor, shaking his hips and totally letting loose. It’s just them three on vacation, Harry, Dele and Eric. He thinks it’s Harry first vacation without his family in a long time so everything could be possible. When there’s alcohol in the game the cards would be newly mixed anyway. Eric never met someone more responsible than his teammate but even he had his moments of letting his control slip.

 

They’re on vacation and Eric learns something new about his friends everyday.

 

“I’m not drinking this.” Eric says again when his attention brought back to the glas in his hand when Dele tries to get it towards his mouth. Dele shoots him a disapproving look when he doesn’t succeed.

 

“I paid money for this,” he says, “so you better drink it.”

 

“I bet those five euros put a really big dent in your pocket.” Eric shakes his head in amusement.

 

“A penny saved is a penny earned.”

 

“It’s not like you need  all the money you have. Also this drink looks weird.” He says because it does. In his opinion anyway. He likes colours but preferably not on anything edible or drinkable.

 

“We all know you’re a rainbow kind of guy, so suck it up.” 

 

“You’re bossy when you’re drunk.” Eric states raising his eyebrows surprised because Dele definitely isn’t sober anymore. The sparkly drink in his hand isn’t his first one of the evening and probably not the last one either.

 

“ ‘m not drunk.” Dele pouts but the way his eyes flicker aren’t helping his case. Eric snorts.

 

“Hmm hmm. If you’d be any more drunk we’d be cuddling it up on the dancefloor right now or dancing like Harry…” Eric eyes spot Harry in the middle of the crowd, carefree and in his own world. 

He’s dancing, _ actually _ dancing and Eric wants to take out his phone camera and take a picture.

Harry is wearing short cream colored shorts and a white button down, eyes closed in the dim light, jamming to the music, hands moving carelessly to the beat.  He looks really into it and Eric doesn’t know if he should be grimacing or laughing. 

 

And people say  _ he’s _ a bad dancer.

 

Dele seems to follow his line of vision and starts giggling at the sight of their friend.

 

“Oh my god. Do you see those dance moves?” He gets out in between breaths. “It looks like he’s trying to .. Someone needs to take a photo and send it to Kate! She needs to see this and rethink why she married him.”

 

“Ivy would be so embarrassed.” Eric says as Harry is doing a dance move Eric is pretty sure is called  _ the lawn-mower. _   “ _ I’m _ embarrassed just watching this.”

 

“While we’re at the topic of dancing.. we should definitely get on the dancefloor.” Dele says, eyes lightening up at the thought.

 

“No.” Eric says because he really,  _ really  _ doesn’t want to dance. He’s fine standing at the side, observing and listening to the music. Being invisible is fine,  _ not moving _ is fine. 

 

“Yes.” Dele returns.   _ So bossy, _ Eric thinks shaking his head.

 

“I’m not drunk enough for this.”  Maybe he should have downed a couple of vodkas before coming to the club.

 

“That’s why  I bought you the drink. Come one Eric, it will be fun.”   It will not be fun, Eric is sure.

 

“Aren’t you the one who always complains about my dancing?”  Eric asks because really, normally he’d be offended because his dancing is  _ great, _ but today he’s taking the excuse gratefully.

 

“Yeah, because it’s shit but that’s what makes it fun.” 

 

Eric rolls his eyes.

 

“I don’t want to dance.” he whines but Dele is giving him a look. A look he knows Eric can’t resist and he hates it. He’s reminded of his dog once more. Dele isn’t an animal but he’s got Eric wrapped around his finger like one, which is unfortunate in many situations. 

 

“Oh fine!” He gives in. He should work on that backbone he’s got. It’s a myth, Eric thinks. No one’s got a backbone around Dele.

 

“But you’re holding the drinks.” He shoves the glass into Dele’s free hand, so that he’s now holding two of the rainbow colored liquors.

“And you owe me.” He adds annoyed but Dele just bats his eyelashes at him.

“You get Harry duty.” Eric warns and that makes Dele’s look turn sour. A small victory. 

 

“He’s awful when he’s drunk.” Dele complains but Eric just raises his eyebrows and Dele sticks his tongue out of him as if to say:   _ We’ll see about who has to take care of him. _

 

Dele tries to shove Eric to get into the direction of  the dance floor but somehow he ends up tripping over his own feet. Eric only barely manages to stop Dele from falling flat on his face. 

 

One hand ends up steady on his waist while the other one ends up cupping his cheek. Dele feels hot underneath Eric’s fingers, the alcohol heating up his skin. Dele’s eyes are closed as if he’s trying to order his thoughts, or maybe just trying not to get sick. He doesn’t look that well anymore, Eric has to admit. 

 

There’s loud chatter around them, ear piercing and uncomfortable over the loud the music. Maybe they should just call it a night and go back to the house they rented for the holidays.

  
  


“Hey, hey. Be careful. Are you okay?” Eric asks concerned. Dele opens his eyes for a moment, pupils blown wide, face paler than usual.

 

“Yeah I’m fine.” he says, screwing his eyes shut once again, drinks still firmly in hand but in no way standing on his own feet.

 

“Maybe a bit dizzy,” he adds and Eric nods, loosening the grip on his waist. He takes the drinks out if his hand before placing them on a nearby table. The tables are scattered across the whole venue. They are black, almost not visible in the scarce light of the club. 

 

“Come on. Maybe it’s better if we go back,” he says gently,  his hands reaching out for Dele once again to steady him. 

 

“No, we need to dance.” Dele protests but he doesn’t make any move to get there, just stays in Eric's loose embrace. It’s a sign that he really isn’t feeling that well. Eric just hopes that Dele doesn’t get sick and throws up on him.

 

“I’m going to find Harry and you stay here.” Eric orders. He can be bossy too. “I’m also going to find you a bit of water.”

 

Dele nods eyes still closed, breathing through his nose. 

 

Alright, Eric thinks. He doesn’t feel good leaving Dele all by himself but he doesn’t want to leave without Harry either. He doesn’t want a repetition of Christmas 2017. Losing a friend in a crowd was never a fun experience.

 

He spots Harry at the other side of the club. He’s  looking exhausted but there’s also a wide grin plastered on his face. He’s sweaty, his white button down soaked, so that it almost looks transparent.

 

“Hey.” Harry greets him and Eric smiles back. 

 

“Ready to call it a night?” Eric asks, “ Dele’s not feeling well and before anything goes south it might be better to get back.

 

“Yeah, sure “ Harry says before straightening his back. 

 

“You really looked like you had fun out there H.” Eric says casually but he can’t help the smile off his face.

 

“Was it that bad?” Harry asks and Eric claps him on the back.

 

“Just be glad that phones and cameras aren’t allowed in here.”

  
  
  


***

 

On the taxi ride back to their vacation home Eric gets tired. He starts to feel the exhaustion of the long night achingly in his bones. Everything feels heavy once he’s seated on the dark cushions in the back of the car. It’s almost half past five in the morning and Eric feels it like a blanket suffocating him.

It’s been a while since he stayed up longer than one am. Pochettino always being very adamant about his players schedules. It was important to keep a healthy and balanced lifestyle, which included going to bed at reasonable hours. They don’t have to go to work tomorrow though.

 

It’s not that dark anymore outside, the sun slowly beginning to rise painting the sky in a light pink.  There are people already getting up again, starting their day.  Eric thinks about it, when he sees People leaving their houses, when they pass by.

 

All _ he _ wants to do is get into his bed and sleep forever, or maybe just eight hours.

 

“What are you doing?” Eric asks when Dele doesn’t go to his own room, like Eric expected. The Finca they booked in Ibiza has enough space for all three of them. There’s five bedrooms, so there’s absolutely no need for Dele to follow him into his room.

 

He knows Dele is tired and drunk which means Dele is whiny and cuddly. He’s been clinging to him all of their taxi ride, almost falling asleep on his shoulder. Eric doesn’t particular mind, because Dele is his best friend and best friends do take care of each other but all he wants to actually do is sleep.

 

Preferably alone.

 

“I’m going to sleep.” Dele says, eyes closed, body still hanging onto Eric like a sack of wet clothes.

 

“It’s the wrong room.” Eric says because it is. Dele’s room is at the other side of the large stone tiled floor. The rooms are nothing special and yet still cozy all of them having a similar atmosphere to them.

 

Eric turns on the lights.

 

The room is barely lid still, the blinds closed shielding them from the sunlight already threatening to spill in.

There’s a bed in the middle, perched against the wall, red and white pillows and blankets. It’s not how Eric would have decorated his own room at home but he still feels comfortable.

 

The walls painted with pastel colours,  paintings of landscapes everywhere.

 

Eric was more the clean cut guy, his furniture only grey and black, his walls white but he understands that not everyone felt the same way about home decoration.

 

“It’s too far away” Dele mumbles and throws himself onto the bed on his stomach, hands and feet stretched out like a starfish, head buried in to the pillows. 

 

“I’m too tired to walk.”

 

“Fine, “ Eric sighs, because he isn’t in the mood to argue. “I’m going to your room then.” 

 

If Dele wanted to make it difficult he was going to make it easy.

 

“No, stay. The bed is big enough for two.” Dele says patting the space next to him, or tries to. It’s a week attempt that resembles more of a stroke than a pat.

 

Eric thinks about it for a moment. Having Dele in his bed in this state screams bad idea to him but he’s also tired and it’s  _ his _ bed. He shouldn’t be the one making room. Dele is right, there’s space enough for both of them. It’s not a big deal, Eric tells himself. 

 

They’re friends. Friends can sleep in beds together, they have done it before and they’ll do it again.

 

“Okay, but first take off your clothes.”

 

“Ohh I didn’t know you wanted me like that Eric.” Dele says and Eric is pretty sure he’s smirking into his pillow. 

 

“Dele.” Eric warns before throwing some sweatpants and a t-shirt on the other boys back, before looking for his own pyjamas and starting to undress himself. 

 

“You’re no fun.” Dele huffs and Eric replies: “You’re insufferable.”

 

“I can’t move.”

 

“Yes, you can.”

 

“Help me?”

 

“No.”

 

“Please?”

 

“Go sleep in your boxers then.” Eric says because that’s what he decided he’s going to do. He sits himself on his bed, shoving at Dele so he can get under the covers. His head falls back against the soft pillow and he feels his eyes begin to fall shut.

 

“I’m gonna get cold.” 

 

Eric groans internally. This definitely was a bad idea.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“You’re mean.”

 

“Just tired. Come on. Get under the blankets and shut up.” Eric says and lifts them, giving up on getting Dele to change into sleep appropriate clothes.

 

“What, no:  ‘brush your teeth’?”

 

“It can wait. Also I don’t want you to throw up at the taste of toothpaste.”

 

“I’m already feeling better.”

 

“That’s good.” It really is. Eric would hate for him to fall asleep sick.

 

Eric tries to close his eyes once again, hoping that Dele will shut up this time and let’s them both sleep. He already feels the sleep engulfing him, brain not functioning anymore when he feels someone shuffling closer to him. There’s hot breath against his ear, the strong smell of alcohol clinging to it and an arm snaking across his body. Eric presses his lips tightly together.

 

Why was it so difficult to just get some sleep this once.

 

“Hmm you’re comfortable,” Dele says and Eric tries hard to resist the urge to push Dele out of the bed. 

 

“You’re still drunk.”

 

There’s a few moments of silence and Eric wants to breathe in relief hoping that Dele finally fell asleep.

“Do you think I could ever be in love?” Of course it would have been too much to ask.

 

Late night deep talk with drunk Dele. What has his life become. He should get a refund for all the troubles he’d gone through since he came into his life. He also needed to make a mental  note to never let Dele get drunk again. 

 

“Yes. Dele now go to sleep,  _ please,”  _ he says because he isn’t ready to get into that kind of territorium now.

 

“Okay.” Well that was easy.

 

It’s almost six in the morning, the sun already up again and Eric falls asleep with Dele breathing evenly next to him.

  
  


***

  
  


Eric gets woken up by something blearing very loudly. It’s ear piercing and too much for Eric’s head. He groans and tries to reach something in the rough direction where he knows his phone should be lying and almost slaps Dele in the face. 

He blinks and tries to remember where he is and why Dele is in his bed but the loud noise makes it fairly difficult.

Once he realises that it’s not even his phone ringing on his nightstand since it’s seems to have given up during the night, battery empty. He glances at his watch.

 

9 am.

 

What the hell.

 

_ Three hours of sleep. _

 

He kicks Dele underneath the covers, feet pressing against his calves, while Dele is lying with his back turned to Eric not moving.

 

“Dele.”  He says tapping his shoulders. “Make it stop!”

 

Dele just grunts in return, seemingly not interested in waking up at all. 

 

“Just five more minutes.” he mumbles and Eric groans before getting himself out of bed, looking for source of the noise. 

 

He’s glad that he didn’t drank too much yesterday, his head already in a bad shape without the help of alcohol.

When he stumbles out of bed, he’s lost for a moment, not sure where to start looking first.

 

He needs a coffee and some  _ silence. _

He nearly trips over his own clothes lying on the bedroom floor, before looking through Dele’s shorts to find his phone.

 

Apparently he had taken them off after all.

 

He throws the shorts onto to the sleeping form of Dele carelessy. If he has to wake up, Dele has to aswell. 

 

A small whine let’s him know that he definitely didn’t miss him and he can’t help but smile a little satisfied. Dele is his personal demon and this situation doesn’t help to convince him from the opposite.

 

When he looks at the phone in his hand it already has stopped ringing. He thinks about throwing it at the wall for a minute. Imagines the sleek black case cracking while colliding with the stone but he throws the thought away just as soon as he gets it. He isn’t known to destroy property that isn’t his even though he feels like it. Besides Dele would kill him.

 

What did Dele even  _ do _ that people thought about bothering him on a sunday morning at 9am. Everyone knows he’s on vacation.

 

Maybe something has happened.

 

There are about 10 missed calls and 20 new messages which strikes Eric as a bit odd, but he’s not snooping. It’s none of his business. He thinks about turning off the sound of the phone but as soon as he wants to do it, it starts ringing again.

 

“Dele.” Eric says holding out the phone to him.  He’s actually surprised to see that Dele has actually moved, sitting up on the bed. His eyes are still half closed, the shirt he’s wearing rumpled from sleep. Dark skin paler than usual.

 

He’s proabably having a hangover from hell, Eric thinks.

 

“There’s a call for you.” Instead of opening his mouth, Dele just holds out his hand, taking the phone silently from Eric. It’s still ringing, battery not getting tired. 

 

“Hello?” Dele yawns into the speaker and Eric can’t help but chuckle at the picture. Dele looks so out of place, it’s cute in a way and Eric shakes his head at him fondly, before lying back down on the bed again. He links his fingers over his stomach and listens to Dele talk for a moment. 

Dele looks relaxed until he suddenly doesn’t and Eric feels his own body stiffen as if he’s smelling danger.

 

“What’s wrong?” Eric mouths at him but Dele just shakes his head, swallowing audibly before standing up and leaving the room. He’s still clad in only his boxers and the shirt from last night, feet bare on the ground.

 

Eric waits a few moments before he gets up as well and follows him, Dele’s expression not reassuring at all.

  
***

 

“What’s going on?” he repeats his question from earlier, when he spots Dele in the bathroom, sitting with his back leaned against the bathtub, phone tightly in one hand, the other one pulling at the hairs on his knee.

 

He’s pale, eyes blank. It’s so different than Eric knows him, the way he has been the last week on their summer vacation. It’s like the sun he’s been taking up is only still visible on his legs and arms. It’s alarming and Eric has the strange feeling, that it isn’t the hangover but something else entirely.

 

Dele doesn’t say anything, he’s just staring and Eric notices something wet at the corner of his brown eyes.

 

_ Oh shit. _

 

Tears.

 

Tears rarely meant anything good. 

 

Eric has never seen Dele cry. Not when he’s angry, not when he’s happy.

He feels his own pulse rising, heart beating faster, so he sits himself next to Dele on the floor. 

 

It’s cold, but he barely notices it.

 

Dele is still silent, not moving, so Eric takes the phone out of his fist. His knuckles already turning white from the force he’s gripping it with.

 

Eric swallows three times, when he sees what’s on it and it takes all his will power not to throw up right on the spot.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the feedback on the first chapter!! It means a lot. I hope you'll enjoy the second one as well.
> 
> This chapter deals with some stuff ( getting outed). Just as a warning because it's a sensitive topic for some that can cause triggers.
> 
> All in all it's not a very happy chapter, so I apologize for that.
> 
> Please let me know what you think <3

In school they taught Eric the five stages of grief. First there’s denial. 

 

Eric doesn’t trust his eyes, doesn’t believe what he’s reading.

 

He’s angry when he finally realises what’s happening and he’s not sure he completely understands.

 

Eric knows the five stages of grief, he knows the emotion he’s supposedly feeling. 

 

Except Eric is not grieving. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. No one has died. It’s just words, that twist themselves into his gut like a knife, cutting and clawing until he’s bleeding out.

  
He tries to breathe, slowly through his nose, trying to calm his beating heart that is threatening to burst through his chest. He feels hot all over and the pain in his stomach is making him feel sick.

 

Inhale. Exhale.

 

He doesn’t realise his hands are shaking until he almost drops the phone out of his hands on the bathroom floor.

 

He looks at the article again.

 

Maybe his eyes were just playing tricks on him. Maybe he’s still asleep and maybe he was going to wake up soon.

 

He stares at the words again, black and blurry in front of his eyes but he tries to concentrate once more to make sure he’s not missing something.

  
  
  


**_Bromance turned Romance_ **

_ Eric Dier (25) and Dele Alli (23) admitting to being more than friends? _

_ It’s been a wild year for both footballers with reaching the semi finals in the 2018 world cup with the english national team and securing a spot in the champions league spot once more with their club Tottenham Hotspur. _

 

_ Good Luck in the game means Bad Luck with Love? _

 

_ It seems like both men hit the jackpot. They’ve always been seen in the company of gorgeous women but it seems like there’s been a hidden secret all along. _

 

_ Currently vacationing in Ibiza, Spain, with friend and Teammate Harry Kane, the pair has been spotted cozying it up in a nightclub in the center of the island. _

_ The couple was seen kissing and cuddling, seemingly not noticing anyone else. _

 

_ “They were in their own world.” A party guest says, continuing to explain how much in love they appeared, not letting go of each other after their shared kiss. _

 

_ So has their bromance always been a romance? _

_   
We say good luck lads! Football can be glad to finally have two openly gay players. _

 

_ Maybe they will set an example for many more people to show their true colours. _

 

_ [A representant was not able to reach for comment yet.] _

 

There’s a picture added to the article as well. A picture that makes Eric’s heart stop and leaves him confused in his already shocked state.

 

It’s him and Dele in the dim lights of the night, surrounded by several people. People Eric doesn’t know but recognizes as boys and girls from yesterday’s nightclub.

 

There’ a bar behind them, tables around them. Dele in his swim shorts,  Eric wearing his own blue patterned ones. 

 

It’s definitely a picture from last night. 

 

What Eric doesn’t get is why it looks like they are kissing. They’re close, Eric’s hand on Dele’s cheek, mouths looking like they are touching.

 

There’s a kiss in the picture that never happened but Eric knows that no one would even care to hear his excuses.

 

Dele was drunk and Eric helped him not falling on his face.

 

Eric wonders how anyone was even able to take such a picture. There weren’t any phones and cameras allowed.

 

They had been careful and yet not careful enough.

 

The article was a fabricated lie and yet held more truth than anyone would ever know and it it’s difficult for Eric to swallow.

 

They were kissing. Except they weren’t.  

 

They are in love. Except they aren’t.

 

_ They just got outed to a million people. _

 

Eric never thought twice about what people thought about him. He didn’t care about rumours because there would always be rumours.

 

It was different when the rumours were true.

 

He was gay there was no denying it but the world wasn’t supposed to know that. Not yet anyway.

 

He wasn’t ready, or was he? 

 

Eric feels his mind become blurry, thoughts melting into one big mass. His throat dry, skin feeling numb.

He puts the phone away before leaning his head against the cold tiles of the bathtub. It’s soothing and calming and Eric rubs his hands over his eyes. Dele is still sitting next to him saying nothing. 

 

He doesn’t know what to do. Not in a situation like this. 

 

This must be  what it feels like when the ground is ripped beneath your feet, Eric thinks. He isn’t tired anymore, just falling and he wonders if something is going to catch him before he’s hitting the ground not able to get up again.

 

He wishes he was physically bleeding instead of just internally. There was no bandaid available. 

 

“What’s going on?” Eric hears Harry asking before he sees him leaning against the frame of the bathroom door. He’s still in his pyjamas, blond hair sticking up in multiple directions. He looks concerned and Eric feels almost sorry for him.

 

He must have been woken up by Dele’s phone as well.

 

Eric is kind of glad that Harry seemingly doesn’t know what’s going on even though he doesn’t have the heart to tell him the truth either. He doesn’t feel like talking. He doesn’t feel like anything.

 

Instead of answering, Dele flees the room at the sight of their friend. He avoids eye contact with either of them, arms curled around his body protectively. He passes Harry at the door without acknowledging him at all. The look on Dele’s face breaks Eric’s hearts even more ignoring that it’s in pieces already.

 

Harry just looks even more confused now before his eyes are meeting Eric’s. 

Eric opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know what to say. It’s like he’s mute, no words wanting to come out,so he just shrugs apologetically before hurrying after Dele. 

He doesn’t want any other company at the moment, because Harry wouldn’t understand. Harry would be there for them, there’s no doubt but he wouldn’t get it and in this moment they just need to cope with it themselves.

  
  


***

  
  


“Dele, you need to calm down.” 

 

“I am calm.” Dele says while he gives the punching bag another good hit  that makes it flying across the room. There’s already sweat pooling on his forehead, lips tightly pressed together. His eyes are dark and stormy and if Dele thinks that this behavior is calm, Eric really doesn't want to experience him in an even more distressed state. 

 

“You’re freaking out and you need to stop.” Eric says, because really the way Dele is acting he’s going to end up hurting himself, which probably might be even his plan. Eric knows Dele and he knows how he copes. 

 

“Has anyone ever told you that your not helpful?” Dele says looking up at Eric, eyes mocking. A mocking Dele was never a good sign. Eric is not in the mood to fight. 

 

“Well breaking things isn’t helping either.” He says trying to keep his tone neutral.

 

“I’m not breaking anything. Or do you not know what this thing is actually for? It’s made to be hit. So let me hit it!”

 

“I’m not talking about the punching bag.” Eric doesn’t need to mention what he actually means. Dele seems to understand but apparently Eric's words just make him more angry. 

 

“How are you not mad about this.” He asks while pushing his fist against the hard fabric once more. 

 

“Our lives have been destroyed. We are the joke of the league now!” His voice is louder now and Eric tries not to let the words get to him. He knows what happened. He isn’t an idiot. He was there and it hurts him that Dele thinks he doesn’t care. He does care, he just chooses to deal with it differently.

 

“Let me break things, at least I can control it.” 

 

Control. 

 

If there’s anything  that describes Dele, it’s control. Every fiber of his being carefully controlled. He’s impulsive and hot headed but it’s nothing compared to the control he puts on his body and mind everyday. Eric knows why and it’s the same with him. It’s hard to have everything being stripped away at once. Control might be trivial but not if it’s the essence of one being.

 

“You’re going to hurt yourself.” Eric tries again. 

 

“I don’t think one more bruise is going to make any difference.”

 

Eric takes a deep breath before opening his mouth again. His eyes are fixated on the punching bag. The way it’s swinging back and forth is hypnotizing in a way. Maybe calming, Eric doesn’t know. At least Dele is wearing bandages to shield his fingers from real damage. 

 

“I know this is a shitty situation right now, but -” 

 

Dele snorts.

 

“It’s not just  _ a shitty situation _ , Eric. It’s a freaking  _ nightmare _ . I’m never going to go outside ever again. 

 

“I didn’t realise you were still ashamed of yourself.” Eric says because he thought Dele had been over this. They had been over this. It’s been one of the periods in their lives crucial for their friendship. Late night talks and phone calls that brought them closer together.

 

Dele shakes his head slowly as if he’s trying to find the right words. Hands stilling on the punching back.

 

“I’m not ashamed.” He says quiet. “I told you that.” Eric nods, because he did.

 

“I had a plan though.” Dele continues, plopping himself down on the ground, hands hugging his legs. “I wanted to play football in peace, alone. As cliche as it sounds, but football is the only place where I can be myself and at the same time where I don’t have to , you know?” 

 

Eric sits himself next to Dele. The ground his hard and uncomfortable but nothing he isn’t used to. He had always liked sitting on floors, feeling more at peace and further away from anything else. No one was sitting on floors, he was in his own space.

 

“I just wish … I didn’t even tell my parents yet. Guess that’s not necessary anymore either.” He says as he picks at the sleeves of his shirt, pulling the fabric over his thumbs.

“Dele --”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I just want to --”

 

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but you’re not alone in this.” Eric says because it’s true. They’re both in this together. They’re not alone and maybe this will make things easier. 

 

“How can you be okay?” Dele asks looking straight at Eric, brows furrowed as if he seriously doesn’t understand. Maybe he doesn’t. 

 

Eric smiles. It’s a sad smile and resigned.

 

“I’m not okay. But there’s also nothing that can be done. Acceptance makes a lot of things easier. It is what it is.”  He shrugs. 

 

“It doesn’t make any of this right.” 

 

“No, it doesn’t.”

 

“So what are we going to do about it? There’s still the possibility to just deny it right? I mean nothing even  _ happened _ .”

 

“I guess.” Eric thinks for a moment. “I just don’t know if I really want to.”

 

He pauses for a moment. “I think i’m done with lying.”

 

“It’s not lying. It’s self protection.” Dele says and he sounds distraught as if he has to convince himself that what he’s feeling is _ okay _ . It hurts Eric to see him like that. 

 

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just.. I think I’ve been ready for a while now. Maybe this is just the push I have needed.”

 

“I didn’t know you felt that way.” Dele says.

 

“I didn’t know either.” Eric admits because he really didn’t. He’d thought long and hard about it. Weight up all the consequences and somehow it didn’t scare him that much anymore. Maybe coming forward and actually saying the words out loud had been the problem all along. 

 

“Hey, “ he nudges Dele in the shoulder. “Don’t feel bad about it.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Dele says, looking at his fingers, before looking back to Eric. “I don’t think I can do it.”

  
“It’s fine. You don’t have to.”

 

“This really isn’t  fair. Why would they do this to me, to us, to  _ anyone _ .”

 

“Life’s never been fair.” A well known lesson they just had to learn themselves. 

 

“Oh wow Eric, You should definitely become a philosopher.” 

 

Eric feels as rush of warmth through him at the sarcasm and the hint of a smile on Dele’s face. 

 

Progress. 

 

“And let you make fun of my work? No, thank you.”

 

“You might not have any other choice.” Dele says, bitterness returning to his voice. 

 

“Do you really think it’s gonna be that bad?” Eric asks raising his eyebrow. He honestly wants to know. 

 

Dele shrugs. “Hope can only be crushed when it’s there in the first place.”

 

“So who’s the philosopher now?” Eric smirks throwing Dele’ words from earlier back at him. 

 

Dele just rolls his eyes before grabbing Eric's hand as if he just needs something to hold onto right now. 

 

Maybe they both need to. So Eric squeezes back. 

 

“We’re gonna get through this right?” Dele asks staring at nothing in particular. He looks like he’s somewhere far away. Maybe his head is in the future already. 

 

“Yeah.” Eric nods, because what other options do they really have? 

  
  


***

  
  
  


“There are three options that you have.” Richard, their Agent tells them over a skype call. 

 

They are still in Ibiza, hiding in one of the multiple bedrooms of their rented house. Eric is glad they’re not in England yet. He’s sure once they are back home everything will become too real too fast. At least here no one knows their exact location. Harry left them alone for the rest of the day.  He’s always been like that, carefully and worried about other people to not make them uncomfortable. Eric loves him for that. He knows all three of them need to have a conversation sooner or later but right now he doesn’t have the energy for it.

  
  


Now the wrinkled face of their agent is staring at them over the screen of Dele’s Laptop. He’s clad in a dark suit and a white button down ready to do his job.

 

“Option one,” Richard counts on his fingers. “We’re going to deny everything. No kiss, no nothing, happened. You give a statement that you are both straight and we’ll get you girlfriends as soon as possible. There are still some Models that are in need of some promotional arrangement. You’ll see that everything will be forgotten in no time. Nobody will think you’re gay after we have taken care of the press as well.” He pauses.

 

“There’d still be a few precautions that we’d have to take. You two would have to take a break from your friendship at least until we solved this problematic situation.”

 

_ Problematic. _

 

How Eric hates the word. He knows Richard is just trying to help them but it still stings. He somehow can’t shake the feeling that it’s not the situation in general he finds problematic but that there’s a situation in the first place.

 

Next to him Dele doesn’t really seem to listen, caught in his own thoughts. He just stares  at his fingernails as if they’re the most interesting thing in the world.

 

At least he calmed down a bit.

 

“The second option is that we are only denying things specifically written in the original article. There’s been a mistake, you are  _ not _ a couple. One of you’d would still have to come out or at least take the blame. We’d be spinning it into a story that one of you kissed the other but that it was all a joke. You’re friendship wouldn’t have to suffer, although a girlfriend would still be non negotiable.”

 

“What’s the third option?” Dele asks quietly, finally looking up from his hands. His expression is blank and yet full of emotions Eric can’t read. He’s surprised that Dele followed the conversation.

 

Since their talk in the training room Dele had been quiet, thoughtful maybe. Eric doesn’t know. He understands it though, his need to be alone right now. It still doesn’t change the fact that he’s worried about him, more than about himself.

 

Dele always wanted to go places, wanted to become the best possible football player there is. There was always the spark of ambition other players lacked and Eric would hate for it to be all stripped away. 

 

The world was cruel in that way, allowing something so irrelevant to the sport like sexual orientation decide about someone’s career.

 

“The third option would be..” Richard sighs looking at both of them with an expression that reminds Eric of pity. “We’d be doing nothing.”

 

“What does  _ doing nothing _ mean exactly?” Eric asks even though he’s pretty sure he knows it already.

 

“It means exactly what you thinks it means. If you’re ready for it of course.” Richard adds.

 

“But we’re not a couple.” Eric blurts out before he can even think about what their agent is implying. 

 

“Does it really matter though?” and Eric wants to yell:  _ yes, it does _ but he keeps his mouth shut. 

 

“The world is a sucker for love stories. It’s the best option you’d have. Besides, two gay men being teammates and best friends? People would put two and two together eventually. 

 

“Doesn’t look like we have much of a choice.” Dele mutters looking miserable and Eric doesn’t feel much better. 

 

“You have until four pm to decide. Just remember this is an emergency situation and the sooner you decide the more damage can be controlled. I don’t want to pressure you but this is important and will influence your whole future.”

 

With that the call is disconnected.

 

***

  
  


“So what are we gonna do?” Dele asks when they’re alone again.

 

“It’s your decision.” Eric says. “I know what I’m going to do but I’m not pressuring you into something that’s not alright with you.” 

 

“I want your honest thoughts.” Dele says biting at his bottom lip. He looks thoughtful but also desperate, so Eric tells him. 

 

“I want to come out.” He says and it’s naked and raw. Words he never actually said out loud to anyone. He’d never had any conversation like this before, not even with his parents or siblings when he’d told them. They never asked.

 

When him and Dele first trusted each other with their similar secret, it was all just meaningful silence. It was hugs and silent understanding but they never planned out their future.

 

There never was a  _ when _ just always an  _ if _ , so there was no need to talk about. No one did talk about it.

 

“I think Richard is right.”he says. “Us together, coming out and playing the happy couple. Maybe it will be easier. No questions like  _ which teammates we’d like to shag _ because they’d already know. The team  _ knows _ us, they would respect our privacy. I’m not sure they would if they thought we’re both single.”

 

“It would be like wearing a mask again. Didn’t you say you want it all be over?”

 

“I want the real thing eventually.” Eric says because he knows what Dele is worrying about. “I’d be fine with it though. A step is a step, right? And it wouldn’t be forever. People will have to get over it eventually.” 

 

“You talk like a real captain.” Dele says and Eric smiles at him.

 

“A captain has to take responsibility, I learned this for myself. My love life has no impact on what I can achieve as a person. You can be brilliant and gay and and a loser and straight. It doesn’t matter but you can be proud of yourself either way and I’m ready to show that to the world. We have the right to allow ourselves that freedom.”

 

“You’ve always been the fearless one.”

 

“I’m scared shitless.” Eric admits, the whole situation giving him anxiety that is crawling all over his skin but he decided not to listen to it.

 

“Doesn’t make any of it less true.”

 

“I need some time to think.” Dele says and Eric gives it to him.

  
  
  


***

  
  


“Are you sure?” Eric asks wide eyed, because it is definitely not the answer he expected. He’d be fine with whatever Dele would be proposing, even though he doesn’t want to go back in the closet necessarily. 

 

“No,” Dele says, “but I want to. I would be a bad friend if I let you go through this alone.”

 

“I’d be fine, honestly. It’s a selfish matter in any case. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”

 

“There’s a lot of things I never wanted to do and nothing ever stopped me from doing them anyway. So what’s one more thing. Maybe this will actually be good for something.”

 

Eric searches Dele’s face for a moment. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for exactly but he thinks he found it when he sees the determination in Dele’s eyes.

 

“Why the sudden change of heart?”

 

“Someone once told me to be proud of myself and maybe I took his speech very seriously.”

 

“You’re a sap.”

 

“And you’re a great person.” Dele says and Eric wonders if he’d get away with pulling him  into a strong hug.

 

“So.. We’re really doing this, huh?” Eric asks, taking a deep breath. Dele reaches out for his hand and Eric takes it.

 

“I’m ready when you are.”

  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Louis_Harry for commenting on the second chapter! It means a lot :) Here's the third one and I hope you enjoy it! _pleaseeee_ let me know what you think, so I know if you enjoyed it or not .
> 
> Thank you!! 
> 
> This chapter shall be called Conversations because it's basically a lot of conversations and oh and one first date ;).

 

Once they’re back in London, Eric feels his anxiety engulfing him again like a soft wind, barely there but like a constant background noise. The safety he felt in spain is suddenly gone and he wants to go back, far away from reality.

 

He doesn’t though. 

 

He gets through the airport, through the sea of photographers, yelling his name. Yelling Dele’s name. He’s hyper aware of all his surroundings but before he knows it, he's pushed into an awaiting car.

 

Time doesn’t pass and yet everything is blurry in front of his mind.

 

There are a few things still there, thoughts that won’t leave him alone about how they made a terrible mistake, how everything is going to be ruined.

 

He lets them be for a while, nagging doubts eating away at his insides. It’s better this way then repressing it and Eric is sure the world will look different tomorrow. It always does.

 

They talked to Harry. A short and sweet conversation. He isn’t mad at them. Harry is perfect.   
Eric still has to find an excuse to not end up on a double date with Harry and Kate.

He’s glad though that they have at least one person on their side.

 

*

  
  


“I want you to be completely honest.” Mauricio Pochettino says , his hands folded on his desk, face hard. He’s clean shaven and even though Eric has seen him like this very often before it’s an odd look.

 

They’re in trouble, Eric knows.

 

Next to him Dele is tapping his fingers on his legs and it makes Eric jittery. He’s nervous. 

 

Eric has never been scared of their Manager but he would be lying about being completely comfortable. This kind of conversation was long overdue but it doesn’t mean Eric wants to actually have it. He’d be fine without it, honest.

 

Dele and Eric are seated in the black chairs opposite of the gaffer, white walls surrounding them. The air smells clean and a bit dusty but nothing Eric isn’t used to. They all have been here before.

  
  


How long has this been going on?” Pochettino asks, narrowing his eyes and Eric swallows down the lump in his throat.

 

“Three months.” he answers while Dele says, “A year, ” simultaneously. 

 

This was not going well. 

 

“A year.” Eric corrects  and Dele  says, “three months.”  

 

Poch raises an eyebrow not looking convinced at all and Eric curses internally.

 

“One year and three months." He finally says and Dele snickers next to him. Eric kicks him against his shin.

 

One year and three months. It’s a totally reasonable time and a total complete lie. Eric feels bad for lying and he knows It’s going to get them in even more trouble but they decided they’d be telling no one. It would be easier that way.

 

If their manager knew their teammates would be too and then it would somehow get to the press, Eric is sure. 

 

It was a total set up for disaster.

 

“Hmm, I see. “ Pochettino says and then he's quiet, obviously thinking about something. 

 

It’s as if Dele and him are in the principal's office waiting for some punishment for their faulty behaviour. 

 

Except they didn’t do anything wrong and yet they are sitting on the uncomfortable chairs lying about their relationship.

  
  


“I’m disappointed in you.” Words that shoot through Eric like bullet, hard and painful. His skin starts growing hot again but he hopes no one notices his reaction. Dele opens his mouth to say something but the gaffer shushes him. 

 

Brave, Eric thinks. 

 

“Did you really think this club is not all about acceptance and tolerance?” It’s not what Eric expected to hear and he instantly notices the relief floating through him. He exhales, his chest feeling less tight.

 

“I’m disappointed that you couldn’t tell any of us about your relationship. That both of you are  _ gay _ .” He emphasises the last words as if it has any more significance to it and maybe it does. All Eric thinks about that he shouldn’t have to tell anyone that he’s gay at all.

 

“This changes things of course.” The tension is back in Eric’s shoulders.

  
  
  


“This is a warning I have to give you. Football is your work and there are rules you have to follow. I won’t tolerate any sort of private trouble on the field. I want both of you in your  best condition. I trust that you can keep your private and work relationship separate. Do you understand ?”

 

“Yes, sir.” Dele says and it’s the first time Eric hears him say something today. He nods in agreement.

 

Pochettino eyes them for a moment before his facial features relax and his eyes become soft.

 

“If anyone is giving you a hard time I expect you to tell me.” He smiles at them. “Tell me and they will get a headbutt.”

  
  
  
  


*

 

“Hey, Dier.” Dele’s brother Harry greets him and Eric places his cup of tea back on the table. He’s been drinking an awful lot of tea lately, even though it’s  summer already, the weather becoming quite warm. He likes it though, the hot liquid soothing his stomach, making him feel more calm overall.

 

The café they are meeting in is almost empty, only a few students hanging around, drinking their coffee. Eric hasn’t been bothered yet which he thinks is good enough. He tried not being too obvious though, hiding behind some dark sunglasses.

 

Harry asked him to meet with him and Eric agreed. He liked him and they were some sort of friends. 

It’s been a stressful few days and Eric felt like there wasn’t enough room to breathe for him. His phone is ringing constantly to the point that he had to turn it off completely, ignoring every incoming message. He still answers his emails and sometimes the landline but that’s about it. His family has been supportive through all of the drama, they always are but none of them really  _ get  _ him.

 

So when he got a call from Harry’s asking to meet him, Eric is happy for the distraction.

 

When he hears the words  _ Hey, Dier _ though he’s not that confident anymore. Harry looks stoic, blond hair neatly gelled behind his ears, arms crossed over his chest.

 

_ Nice to see you, too. _

 

“We need to talk.” 

 

Eric sighs and wonders what he has done now.

 

“What are your intentions with my brother?” Harry asks, facial expression still hard as he sits down on a free chair opposite of Eric.

 

Eric almost chokes on his tea, the hot liquid burning his tongue. He sputters before wiping his mouth on a napkin.

 

“What?” He asks voice high pitched. He coughs trying to get this thoughts back in order. 

 

“Your  _ intentions _ with my brother. Your _ boyfriend _ .” Harry repeats intertwining his fingers and leaning forward. Eric automatically leans back.

 

Oh right.  _ That . _

 

When Eric doesn’t say anything Harry starts talking again. “You know I’m not really surprised that you two ended up together.” 

 

“Really?” Eric says because  _ he _ is definitely surprised.

 

“I mean, I  _ am _ surprised but I knew there was something different about you two. Dele is my best friend, my brother but what you two have is something entirely different.” 

 

He looks thoughtful for a moment and Eric doesn’t dare to say anything. The words are somewhat strange to hear. He knew that they’re friendship has always special. Maybe because they had so much in common. From the first day of their meeting they just  _ clicked. _

 

“So that’s why I’m asking. What are your intentions? I trust you Eric, but I don’t want him to get hurt. He’s had enough grief in his life already.

 

Eric swallows and feels a sudden pang of guilt surging through him. Dele hasn’t told Harry about how they are just pretending and Eric should have known. He hasn’t told anyone in his family the truth either. It’s easier to keep it from everyone without exceptions, he tells himself.

 

He’s lying to Harry though and Harry only wants to protect his brother. He’s in a dilemma.

 

“I’m not planning on hurting him,” is what Eric  finally settles on because it’s the truth. He doesn’t want to hurt  Dele ever and he doesn’t plan on it either. He means it.

  
  


Harry seems to think so as well because he nods - once -  satisfied before waving to the waitress and ordering a coffee for himself.

 

“So how did it happen?” Harry asks curiously and Eric mentally face palms. They really didn’t think this through at all. He should have expected questions like these.

  
  


“Why don’t you ask Dele?” Eric says and it’s cowardly but he’s really not good with making up stories.

 

“Dele isn’t talking much at the moment.” Harry says sounding sad all of a sudden. “He’s been hiding in his room for the most part.”

 

Huh. That was  _ not  _ good.

 

“He didn’t even tell me he’s gay and I’m his brother! Did he really think I’d reject him. Do you think I’d reject  _ you _ ?”

 

So that’s what this was really about. 

 

“He just needs time.” Eric says gently trying to reassure Harry that he’s going to come around eventually.

 

“It’s been a tough few days. Don’t take it personal. It’s never that he doesn’t trust you but rejection is also the biggest heartbreak. This isn’t about you. It’s about him  and who he’s as a person. If he wasn’t ready to tell you then you just have to accept it.”

 

“He told  _ you _ .”

 

“It’s different and you know it. So don’t make it about anything that it isn’t. Your his best friend but you’re also straight.”

 

“I guess I just thought,” Harry pauses. “ I just want him to be happy, mate.”

 

“I know. I want him to be happy, too. “

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Your welcome.” Eric laughs into his tea. 

 

“How are you?” Harry asks when his own coffee arrives.

 

“Fine I guess. Been better.” It’s not exactly a lie but not the whole truth either

 

“For all it’s worth, _ the sun _ can totally suck it.”   
  


  
  


*

 

“Are you smoking pot?” Eric asks when he steps into Dele’s bedroom at the house he shares with his family, turning his nose up at the penetrating smell.

 

“Nope.” Dele says, popping the p. He’s lying on his bed in a grey sweater and matching sweatpants, legs crossed, one arm behind his head, the other one holding something - that looks suspiciously like a joint - between his fingers.

 

“Are you sure? Eric asks raising his eyebrows,” because it smells like weed.”

 

“It’s medical.” Dele replies nonchalant and Eric snorts.

 

“Are sure that this is a good idea?” Eric is sure that it is not.

 

“It's a good idea for my mental health.”

 

“Hmm.”Eric shakes his head before flopping himself next to Dele on the bed ,taking the joint from him before taking a drag from it. He ends up coughing not used to it, the smoke becoming to much.

 

“Hey! “Dele protests but let's him smoke anyway. 

 

“This will totally get us in trouble.” Eric says, feeling more relaxed already.

 

“The next drug test is ages away and who cares. We don’t even know if we’re welcome on the pitch anyway.” Dele says exhaling the smoke. “I read some of the comments” He adds stretching himself.

 

“They all say gays would ruin football and that we’re now going to live out our gayness on the pitch.”

 

“What do you think it means?” Eric asks. “That we’re gonna turn up in a sparkling dress?” 

 

Dele breaks out into giggles and Eric can’t help but join him. His brain feels a bit fuzzy. 

 

“Can you imagine though? Their faces?  _ God _ , now I really want to do this.”  

 

“We really should do it. I reckon we’d look fabulous:” Eric says and he tries to imagine them both in a dress. He laughs even harder at the image in his mind.

 

“Mate, we’d get booked but it would be so worth it.“

  
  


“Pink would be such a lovely colour on you, my dear.”  Eric says because he has seen Dele in pink. Everyone has seen Dele in pink. He’s starting to get tired, everything feels cozy and Eric doesn’t feel like he would ever be able to get out of Dele’s bed. 

“Fuck you.” Dele says but he doesn’t stop laughing.

 

“That's what everyone already thinks anyway.” Eric says suddenly thinking back to his conversation with Harry. The light mood is gone and they are back to the heavy stuff. 

 

“Are you scared?” he asks, “ Of the first game?” He turns to the side to gauge Dele’s reaction but the boy is looking at the ceiling, hands lying loosely on his stomach.

 

“I’m more scared of the first day back at training.” Dele says and Eric thinks.

 

“Hmm.” and then: “How do you think they are going to react? At least we know H is going to be fine with it.” 

 

“Rosie has something to google at least.” Dele says. “ _ How do I tell my teammates it’s okay to be gay.” _ He giggles at his own joke.

 

“Chris will probably act like there’s nothing changed. He’s going to be on our side“ Eric says because he’s sure of it. He knows that but there’s still the little voice in his head never shutting up.

 

 _What if_ _he’s not okay with it._

 

Errandum humanum est.

 

“What do you reckon Ben’s gonna say?” A third voice suddenly appears and Eric almost gets a heart attack. Ben Davies is leaning against the doorframe, casually dressed in jeans and a Polo shirt, hands buried in his pockets. He looks tanned, like he spent his vacation somewhere warm and sunny. All of them did, so it’s no surprise. 

 

“I don’t know” Eric says, not feeling so at ease anymore now that their conversation was too close to reality. “What  _ would _ he say?”

 

“He’d say that you’re both idiots for even worrying about his reaction. He’d say that you’re both his friends and nothing could ever change that because he loves you both.”

 

Eric would be lying if his heart didn’t jump at the words, feeling lighter all of a sudden. He shifts on the bed so that he’s in a sitting position before poking Dele in the ribs, so that he’s sitting up too. He looks a bit out of it and Eric blames it on the weed. Mostly.

 

“What does Winksy say?” Dele asks and Eric is confused for a moment before he sees the freckled face of their friend poking out behind Ben’s bigger frame. Eric gets it though, the feeling that Dele needs to know what Winksy is thinking. He’s known him for longer than anyone at the club has, longer than Eric even, although he was at the club before Dele.

 

Rejection from strangers was easier to deal with than the ones you’re closest to.

 

Winksy smiles at both of them, before giving a light shrug. 

 

“I’m happy for both of you” that’s all he says and all he needs to.

 

“Go hug your dads.” Ben says and pushes Winksy forward to the bed where Eric and Dele are sitting side by side. 

 

“Can you believe Eric? We’ve got a son.” Dele says clutching at his heart theatrically before spreading his arms.

 

“I’m older than you.” Winksy protests but lets himself be pulled into a hug nonetheless. 

 

“Shhh” Dele coos before stroking over Winksy’s brown hair. 

 

“How much did he smoke?” Ben asks Eric, before flopping himself down on the bed as well so that they are all cuddled close together. 

 

“Not enough.” Dele says but he puts the joint away anyway.

 

“Thanks guys.” Eric says and Ben throws his arm over his shoulders. 

 

“Don’t thank us. That’s what friends are for.”

 

Eric wouldn’t mind staying like this forever.

  
  


*

  
  
  


“A date,” Eric  repeats and Dele nods, “with Paparazzi.”  Hearing himself saying those words out loud make something turn inside Eric’s stomach. It’s a familiar feeling of dread Eric doesn’t like at all.  He thought he had gotten rid of it by drinking lots and lots of chamomile tea but apparently  _ feelings _ couldn’t be controlled.

 

He’s not fond of the idea of spending the afternoon papped. He’s vaguely aware that it was partly his own idea pretending to date Dele but this was a different level.

 

He’s okay with acting in front of their friends and Family, colleagues even but he’s not sure if he can do it in front of the cameras. He knows how to hide but he doesn’t know how to be visible.

 

*

 

“We’re in a zoo and getting photographed like  _ we _ are the actual animals. Why do we have to do this again?” Eric asks putting on his sunglasses, trying to shield his eyes from the cameras and the sun.

 

“It’s a good way to expose ourselves to the press and the public, showing that we are just like normal people on a date and get some publicity for the club.” Dele quotes their agent dutifully. 

 

“Why the zoo? I haven’t been to the zoo in ages.” Eric looks around trying to find the appeal of their location. It’s crowded, full of  small children visiting the zoo with their mothers and grandparents. It’s loud and simply too hot to be outside. Eric is already sweating.

 

“Because that’s where couples go on dates.” Dele says. Eric snorts.

 

“Since when? I have never been on a date in the zoo.”

 

“I’ve never been on a date.” Dele says and Eric stops in his tracks.

 

“Wait, never as in _ never _ ? Not even in school?” He really can’t imaginge that Dele never has been on a date.

 

“No date that counts.” Dele says and Eric feels sad for him. It’s not like he has been on tons of dates, especially not with men but there have been a few.

 

“Well then this is going to be your first one.” Eric says trying to sound cheerful and throwing his arm around Dele. He tries to break out of Erics grip and Eric laughs when he doesn’t succeed.

 

“This is a pap walk not a date, besides  who said I’d  want to go out with you anyway? I like my men well dressed.”

  
“What’s wrong with how I dress?”

 

“Do you not own a mirror?” 

 

“I think we should break up. I’m wounded.” Eric gasps and Dele laughs at his expression. Eric likes his smile, it being somewhat infectious.  

 

“ _ I _ think we should visit the penguins.” Eric is totally down with that. He’s always had a soft spot for the black and white creatures. They’re awkward waddling was very endearing. 

 

“Did you know that it’s known for penguins to have gay lovers?” He says  when they’re in front of the compound. _ Maybe _ this particular information played into his liking for penguins as well.

 

“Interesting. Do you think we could steal one?” Dele asks, a glint of mischievousness  in his eyes. The penguins are waddling and jumping into the water chattering and cackling happily. It’s smells like fish the closer Eric and Dele get to the glass facade. A small girl in a pink summerdress has her nose pressed against it jumping up and down exitedly. It’s cute, Eric thinks.

 

“I’m sure we could,” he says, “ but I don’t know if we’d get away with it.”

 

“Pff, I bet we would.”

 

“There are cameras everywhere remember?” Eric reminds him, although he hasn’t seen any of the paparrazi. 

 

“Bummer.” Dele pouts before he’s pulling Eric to visit the giraffes.

 

They walk around for a bit, watching the animals and talk about random things. It’s nice, Eric thinks and he almost forgets why they are spending the evening at zoo in the first place. 

 

“This date sucks.” Dele says and Eric blinks irritated. 

 

“Why? Because you’re not allowed to  steal a penguin?”

 

“For example. Aren’t you supposed to treat me with Ice cream or popcorn?” Dele asks crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“Says who?” Because  _ really _ ?

 

“It’s the etiquette of dating. The man treats the woman with edible goods such as Ice cream and popcorn. You’re a man, so do your job.” 

 

“You’re a man too. How about  _ you _ treat me with Ice cream and popcorn.” He notices he’s hungry too. His stomach grumbling impatiently.

 

“Eric.”

 

“Dele.” 

 

“I promise I won’t post that picture of you in your pink underwear if you buy me popcorn.” Dele says and Eric remembers that photo and he definitely doesn’t want it on the internet.

 

“That’s blackmail.” 

 

“No, it’s _love._ ” Dele says sweetly and Eric wants to kick him.

 

“Love is blackmail?” Eric wonders Dele shakes his head at him as if Eric is simply too stupid to understand.

“It’s 2019, get with the program.”

 

“You’re insufferable, you know that? “Eric says but he buys Dele the popcorn anyway. 

  
*  
  


“Thank you, Darling.” Dele says batting his eyelashes when Eric is handing him the food. It smells sugary and sweet. Eric doesn’t feel sorry when he steals some of it to eat it himself. 

 

“I hate you.” Eric says like he always does. 

 

“Nah, you don’t” Dele says because he knows Eric. 

 

Eric shrugs because they all know it’s the truth.

 

There’s something buzzing in his pocket indicating an incoming text message. He takes the phone out of his jeans before looking at it. It’s a text message from Richard in capital letters. 

  
  
  


_ HOLD HANDS. _

 

There’s not even a _ please _ or a _ hello _ , just a simple demand and Eric feels like there’s been an icebucket full of water downed on his head. I feels like waking up and remebering that they aren’t on a real date together.

 

Being on the zoo with Dele felt so natural like it always did. He enjoys spending time with him, always has. He wonders if this is about to change  _ now. _

 

“Come on, we still have other animals to visit” Eric says before reaching out to take Dele’s hand. 

Dele looks slighty irritated before pulling his hand back. Eric tries not so feel hurt by the motion. He figues it’s because they aren’t in the comfort of something less open.

 

“What are you doing?” Dele asks but doesn’t pull away when Eric tries to take his hand again.

 

“Richard wants us to hold hands. It’s what couples do.” The paparazzi are probably somewhere close.

 

“Not every couple though,” Dele remarks. “We could be one of those couples.”

 

“We have been holding hands a million times before”

 

“That was different.”

 

“If you really don’t want to, let me shoot a text to Richard and I’m sure he understands.” Well at least Eric hopes so.

 

Dele snorts. “You know he won’t.”

 

There’s some awkward silence between them and all Eric wants is for it to dissapear, maybe say something that will lighten up the mood.

 

“We knew it would eventually go like this. It’s just hand holding. Not kissing “ Eric says and he wonders what it would be like, having to kiss Dele. He shoves the thought away, not trying to think about it.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.” Dele says shaking his head and furrowing his eyebrows slightly. He squeezes Eric’s Hand and smiles. It’s not the smile Eric is used to, not really genuine but he guesses it’s better than none.  “Let’s go see the Elephants.”

 

There’s something about walking and holding someone's hand. Eric can’t put a finger on it. He feels uncomfortable at first, his skin tingling in anticipation. He knows people are observing an watching them and he doesn’t like this kind of exposure. 

 

It’s normal now, two men holding hands but yet still not normal enough and people are staring. Unconsciously maybe, maybe not. 

 

It suddenly feels _ real.  _ People knowing and people seeing are two different things. His heart is almost exploding, hammering wildly like he’s doing something daring. Maybe that’s what it is exactly. They are daring. They are allowed to. Eric is allowed to. It doesn’t matter that the hand he’s holding is Dele’s and not from his boyfriend. It’s just the fact that he  _ does _ .

 

With every step they are doing, Eric grows more comfortable.

 

He can’t help but think that he wants to do it again someday.

  
  
  
  


*

  
  


There are a few hundreds letters on Erics desk, unopened and neatly stacked. He wonders what’s all of this about, the reason why they are on his desk. There’s a note attached, a bright green post it. ‘Read what your fans have to say”

 

Eric doesn’t want to know what his fans are saying but he reads them all anyways.

 

_ * _

 

**I came out to my parents.**

 

*

 

**You showed me that love does still exist**

 

*

 

**Thank you for being brave for all of us.**

 

*

 

**** **My sister and her girlfriend  both cried.**

 

*

 

**My dad understands me now**

 

*

**You make me proud to be a spurs fan**

 

*

 

**People suck. You and Dele don’t**

 

(Eric feels oddly touched by this) 

 

*

 

**Thank you for being an idol to my son and showing him that it is okay.**

 

*

 

**Thank you for being there when no one else would.**

 

*

 

_ We love you.  _

 

_ We accept you.  _

 

_ We’re proud of you.  _

 

*

  
  


**I’m going to ask him to marry me.**

 

The last letter strikes Eric as odd, there’s something familiar about the handwriting, the way the words are formed. When he sees the name the letter is signed with something in his head makes  _ click. _

 

oh.

 

_ Oh. _

 

It’s funny how glaringly obvious everything suddenly becomes and Eric can’t help but laugh while shaking his head at himself.

 

How didn’t he realise?

 

Maybe he’s been to focused on himself, maybe he hasn’t been the only master at masking himself, maybe he just didn’t want to see it. He wishes he had.

 

He folds the letter back together before reaching out and typing something on his phone.

 

_ I’m sure Sonny is going to say yes. _

  
  


*

 

Eric keeps every single letter. For bad times he tells himself. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy Chapter I guess :D thank you for reading <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, here we are again. Sorry that I am a bit late but life has been a bit stressful :/ 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your feedback on the last chapter!! It all means so much :)) It all made me smile a lot.
> 
> I Hope you enjoy the next bit and please let me know what you think! Comments and kudos would be greatly appreciated <3

  
  


“Eric.” Hugo says waving Eric towards him, a serious expression on his face. Eric can’t help the feeling that settles heavy in his stomach. Hugo wanting to talk to someone shortly before a game was never a good sign. It always meant bad news.

 

“What’s up?” Eric ask trying to sound nonchalant and not let his fears seep through his voice. It could be anything. Maybe he’s getting kicked out of the squad. He doesn’t know. The team reacted good about the new situation - which wasn’t exactly new per sé -, no one being particular nasty. There was no tension in the locker room, at least none that Eric didn’t think he couldn’t handle. 

 

“I ‘ave something for you.” Hugo says and Eric holds his breath. When he sees what he is holding out to him, Eric doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to think either. 

 

It’s like he’s mind shut down completely.  He feels relief and maybe a bit of pride surging through him and he slowly starts to relax. 

 

“It’s your captains armband.” Eric says because it is. He’s holding Hugo’s armband in his hands. The material rough between his fingers. It’s not the usual blue color Eric notices but instead colorful and bright. A rainbow.

 

“You’re going to be captain for the game tonight.”

 

“Wait. Are you sure? Is Poch okay with this?” Eric asks because there are a million questions inside his head. Hugo has been a great captain for them and taking on his role is a big honour.

 

“It was actually ‘is idea.” Hugo says smiling and Eric feels a warm rush of affection for their manager. 

 

“Thank you. I don’t know what to say.” He swallows, his throat dry. He’s always wanted to be a captain of a team. His team. He’s been allowed to captain the english side for a few times and it always felt incredibly good on the pitch to have that responsibility. He likes taking care of people.

 

“You don’t need to say anything. You deserve it. What you and Dele have done was incredibly brave. You did something and that is going to mean so much to every young child out there. Maybe even for my children. You’re a captain.” 

 

_ To dare is to do.  _

 

The words come to Eric’s mind immediately. He’s a Spurs player and he’s going to face the crowd as a captain.

 

“Why not Dele though?” Eric asks because he has to know. He’s been brave as well. Braver than him, Eric thinks but Hugo doesn’t know the details and it’s none of his business anyway.

 

Hugo raises his eyebrows looking at Eric as if he’s out of his mind. “No one would make Dele a captain of anything. Not even for a single game.”

 

Eric laughs, because it’s true. “Speaking of the devil…” he says when said person walks up next to them. Eric is way too aware of the body next to him and he automatically stiffens. He tries to tell his body to relax, because it’s  _ just  _ Dele. 

 

“What are you two talking about?” Dele asks curious before leaning a little bit too much into Eric’s space. Eric doesn’t know if it’s on purpose or not. 

 

He’s thinking too much.

 

“I heard my name,” Dele says, “are you two gossiping about me?” He asks and of course he would hear his name in everywhere in a sixty mile radius. He was a contradiction in itself. Looking for attention while avoiding it with all of his strength. Maybe that was what made him so interesting, Eric doesn’t know.

 

“I was just talking to the captain.” Hugo says and Dele’s eyes grow wide. 

 

“He made you captain?” he almost yells and Eric winces at the volume. He can’t help but letting the corners of his mouth move into a little smile though. 

 

“This is amazing!” Dele says and Eric feels himself pulled into and awkward side hug.

 

“Yeah, it kind of is.” Eric says grinning. _ Captain _ . It’s only one night, but maybe that*s all he needs.

 

“You can kiss each other as a celebration.” Hugo says watching them, arms crossed head leaned to the left as if he’s observing them. “I won’t mind.” 

 

Eric feels his face grow hot.

 

“Thanks Hugo,” Dele says looking awkwardly around the room but decidedly not to Eric or Hugo, “but we  - eh  -  don’t do this at work.”

 

He coughs and Eric wants to leave the conversation immediately. When he agreed to come out as a couple he totally forgot about what it would actually imply.

 

Were they even legally allowed to do anything besides talking and changing in the locker room? Eric is sure that there’s a book somewhere hidden on Pochettino’s shelf in the office about that topic. 

 

_ 24359 Rules in the locker room and how to obey them.  _

 

“I kissed my wife when I was made captain.” Hugo says - although Eric is sure this did  _ not  _ happen in their changing rooms - and with that he’s off.

 

“What was that?” Eric asks a bit confused.

 

“He’s french.” Dele says as if this  explains everything and maybe it does.

 

*

 

Eric feels nervous. His whole body is stiff and his skin is prickling with energy. He’s feels his heart pumping, the adrenaline rushing through his veins.

 

This is different, so totally different from anything he’s ever experienced and his insides feel like a pile of ants.

 

He’s captain. He’s going to take his team out on the pitch. He’s  _ leading  _ them.

 

The first game of the season.

 

Dele is somewhere behind him and he wonders how he’s doing. Is he nervous too?

 

Eric doesn’t know what to expect. He doesn’t know how the fans will react, he doesn’t know but he hopes he can block it all out. He has to.

 

In the corner of his eyes he can see flashes of blue and white, black and grey. He’s not looking though. 

 

Later, he tells himself.

 

The warm air is hugging him like a blanket and the smell of freshly watered gras creeps into his nose. It’s a different kind of home and it’s exactly where he wants to be.

 

When the first whistle blows there’s just the ball and there’s only one thing on his mind.

 

He’s here to win tonight.

 

*

 

“We did it.” Dele yells, jumping up and down before he’s pulling Eric into a hug. Strong and safe. Eric feels all the tension seeping out from his muscles. He wants to laugh, maybe cry in relief. 

 

He feels good. 

  
  


*

  
  


Eric doesn’t feel good when the first journalist is approaching him, arms stretched out microphone in hand. He hasn’t spoken to a journalist in months.

 

“Eric, congratulations on the win. How did feel to be the captain of the match tonight?” he asks and Eric involuntarily relaxes a bit. It’s a question he can answer. 

 

“It felt good.” He says simple and honest. He’s also proud of what they as a team achieved.

 

“So how is the situation in the locker room?” The journalist keeps on asking and Eric raises his eyebrows, surprised at what he’s implying.

 

“There sure must be tension, right? It’s not exactly a normal situation.” Eric would have laughed if all the sports journalists weren’t such pricks.

 

“Oh there is  _ tension _ .” He says when he spots Harry Kane walking towards him, joining him on the interview.  Eric immediately puts an arm around his waist. If Harry is surprised by the action, he doesn’t show it. He strokes his back over the jersey and hopes that what he’s trying to do comes across.

 

It does.

 

“Hmm, you smell good.” Harry says, pushing his nose into Eric’s hair. The journalist gawks at them confused and Eric cackles internally.

 

He hates the media.

 

“So your relationship with Dele..” the journalist starts again but Harry interrupts him. 

 

“Oh, I have to get going.” he says before he turns to the side and smacks a kiss on Eric lips, loud and sounding.

 

Eric makes a point in licking his lips and stare after him.

 

“We’re all  _ very  _ close.”

  
  


*

 

Harry waits for him in front of the stadium, dressed and freshly showered. Eric grins.

 

“My, my. This is going to get us some headlines.” he says and Harry gives him a high five.

 

“My wife’s gonna be pissed. She already thinks I’m having a secret affair with Poch.”

 

“Dele is going to find it hilarious.” Eric finds himself saying and he’s surprised by his own words.

 

It’s something he has to think about.

 

Later.

  
  


*

 

Eric really should have seen it coming. There were signs. There always were and yet the words hit him with full force, surprise mostly that is soon followed by hurt and anger. 

 

It’s a difference seeing people being called names day after day than when someone is throwing the words right in your face. 

 

_ “I hope you fucking die faggot.” _

 

And now Eric knows that being spit in the face is one of the most humiliating things.

 

Paul Smith is staring at him, eyes full of hate, sweat dripping of his dark hair, face red.

 

Eric doesn’t even know what to say or do. He’s too stunned by the words. It’s been months since he came out, a dozen games played without any mentionable incident. But now he’s being spit at in his own stadium by a player of his own country. He knows it’s the north london derby, it’s supposed to be rough and that’s okay but he never expected something like this to happen. 

 

There were still rules of human decency.

 

He’s  supposed to play a game,  _ win _ a game for the club, but now he doesn’t even know how to react. 

 

There are people around him now, players and the referees. There’s yelling and protest and then there’s Dele with raging look on his face. 

 

“What did you just say?” he yells Eric breaks out of his stupor, he wipes the spit away with his hand and gets up from the wet pitch. 

 

He knows Dele is going to do something stupid but can’t really bring himself to care. Whatever happens, Smith deserved it. 

 

Dele is on Smith in a second but is too late and Smith punches him in the face. 

 

“You can go right with him. You’re an abnormality.”

 

Dele punches back.

 

Then everything goes fast. Eric tries to break them up and he isn’t the only one. Harry is by his side, Ben and Jan trying to shield Dele from any more attacks.

 

Now Eric is really angry. He grabs the arsenal player hard by his jersey and yanks him away. 

 

There’s a thrill wristle from the ref. It’s deafening and a bit too late in Eric’s opinion.  The referee reaches for his back pocket and Eric knows what this means.

Red.

 

The satisfaction doesn’t last long, when he sees Dele getting a red card as well. When the ref shows Eric a yellow one and a subsequent red, he is furious.

 

Awesome.

 

_ Bloody awesome. _

  
  


*

  
  
  


Their way back to the changing rooms is quiet. There’s silent anger radiatiating from both of them, thick like smoke, stuffing the air around them. 

 

Eric is angry. Angry at the referee, angry at Dele for starting a fight and even more angry at himself for not being the one punching Smith in the first place.

 

He knows they let the team down big time and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. 

 

The things being thrown at him hurt but he should have known better than to let it get to him. 

 

Still he’s glad that there’s only about fifteen minutes left for them to play. 

 

They don’t talk and Dele eyebrow is bleeding. He wonders why there’s no medical assistance but Dele is a time bomb waiting to go off and maybe it’s better for everyone letting him deal with his temper alone. 

 

What Eric doesn’t expect though are the silent sobs coming from the corner Dele is sitting in, head buried in his hands.  Eric’s anger softens immediately. 

 

The whole situation is harsh on both of them, more so on Dele. Eric hates that he has seen his friend cry twice already since the incident in their summer vacations. It’s November now and a lot has happened. 

 

He doesn’t go over to him though. Doesn’t hug him, doesn’t tell him it’s going to be alright. It doesn’t make sense if Eric doesn’t believe in it himself. So he just alternates between  staring at the walls and at the floor. 

 

None of their  teammates talk to them after the game is finished and Eric is fine with it. He isn’t in the mood to talk anyway. 

  
  
  


*

 

“You need your eye getting looked at.” Eric says when he drives them both to his home. He doesn’t think either of them want to be alone that night, not after what happened during the game.

Dele is silent, staring right ahead on the road and Eric feels like he’s talking to a brick wall. He wonders how often Dele already had to endure abuse like that. He knows racism is still a big problem, in football as well. He isn’t ignorant but he can’t help but wonder. All he knows it that it definitely doesn’t feel good. He feels dirty and all he wants to do is take another shower and for Dele to let his eye be fixed.

 

“It’s fine.” Dele mutters when Eric knows that it’s not.

 

“We’re here.” Eric says when they are at his house and Dele wordlessly leaves the car, closing  the door with a bang. Eric winces at the sound and hopes nothing got broken.

Inside his house Eric gets hit with a wave of the familiar warmth and he lets himself soak in it for a minute. He has the strange urge to just break down on the couch and cry. He hadn’t felt the need to cry in years and yet something wet was pressing behind his eyes.

 

He wants the stress to just fall down his shoulders and disappear for a while but he knows it’s not an option.

 

So he makes some tea. Two cups just in case Dele wants one too. 

 

He wonders where he is when he suddenly knows.

 

*

 

The night is quiet, the traffic sounds far away in the city. Eric doesn’t even notices it anymore. London never sleeps. It’s dark, only a few light spots can be seen in the distance.

The way Dele stands on the roof, hands in his pockets , hood on his head makes the world around Eric turn calmly. He can see Dele breathe, the warm air curling like smoke in the cold night. It’s intriguing and a picture Eric hasn’t seen in a long time.

 

The moon is standing high, it’s only them. Three lost souls at midnight. Eric has lost track of the time, the exhaustion of the fight still heavy in his bones.

 

Never had he thought that anyone of them would actually get into a fist fight. The cut above Dele’s eyebrow is visible, even in the scarce light of the moon. He wants to kiss it better.

 

Huh.

 

It’s not the first time Eric has thought about it. Kissing Dele. Kissing his best friend. What he feels for Dele could never be defined, shaped like water fluid and always in motion, Eric never knew. It was always there he guesses, hidden beneath layers and layers of comfort.

 

They’ve always been close, maybe closer than it was ever good for any of them.

 

Eric stands himself next to Dele, staring in the distance. He can’t see much but it’s still a beautiful view. They’re high up in the air and yet still heavy on the ground with both of their feet. They’re shoulders are brushing and Eric can feel the warmth radiating from the other body. They’re on his rooftop, a secret escape when he had to get his mind of things. It was one of his favorite places.

 

“A penny for your thoughts?” Erc asks over the light breeze of wind running through his hair.  Dele is silent, obviously thinking of an answer.

 

“I’ve never said it.” he finally gets out and  Eric doesn’t know what Dele is referring to but he’s stays listening, waiting for an explanation.

 

“I never actually said it out loud,” he laughs, strange and frustrated. “ and yet I’ve been already called a million names.”  The “ _ I have been punched _ ” doesn’t need to be said.

 

Eric suddenly knows what this is all about and he thinks about all the moments they talked about it but he realises that the words, the explicit version never once made it out of his mouth.

 

“Maybe you should say it out loud then. I heard it must be very liberating.” It was for him.

 

“What as in shout  it from the rooftops?”

 

“Yeah, why not?” 

 

“Are you out of your mind?” Eric actually thinks it’s a great idea.  _ Daring _ .

 

“You’ve never been this shy, come on.” Eric says nudging him with his shoulder. Dele looks at him with wide eyes. There’s a hint of insecurity hidden in the dark irises. 

 

“I’ll do it with you.” He offers. He feels brave tonight, he realises. It’s a good feeling.

 

“Okay.” Dele says smiling one of his soft smiles that make Eric go weak in the knees. It’s a rare one and sometimes he thinks Dele reserves them just for him but he brushes the thought off as soon as he realises it.

 

“On three.” He says instead and Dele nods next to him. 

 

_ One , two, three. _

 

And then they start yelling.

 

“I’M GAY”  it’s loud and echoing and Eric is sure they just woke up several of his neighbours but for once he doesn’t really care.

 

“I’M FUCKING GAY!” Dele yells again even louder than before and Eric feels strangely proud. Like a mother would be of her child. Except that what he’s feeling is completely different.

 

They are standing on the edge now, close to falling but it’s exciting. Eric feels the adrenaline rushing through him.

 

“PAUL SMITH IS A FUCKING WANKER” Eric yells into the night just because he can. It feels good saying it. Next to him Dele giggles before shouting again.

 

“YOU’RE RIGHT THIS IS VERY LIBERATING.”   
  


“YOU KNOW I’D NEVER LIE ABOUT THIS.”

 

“WE GET IT YOU LIKE DICK NOW STOP FUCKING SCREAMING.” Someone else yells from somewhere far away, before they hear a window loudly closing.

  
  


Eric and Dele burst out laughing, leaning into each other until they can’t breath anymore. Dele smells like home, maybe more. Maybe it’s something he’s always been looking for.

  
_ You can’t look for love, it will find you _ .

 

Maybe love did find him out of all the persons it made him fall for his best friend. He throws one arm over Dele’s shoulders, pressing him closer and Dele flings his arm around his waist. It’s comfortable and Eric could stay like this all night. They’re still giggling not as much as before but he’s happy.

 

He buries his head into Dele’s neck. taking in the scent of his friend. It smells like his aftershave, almost too strong but there’s something sweet too, something eric can’t get enough of. Dele hugs him closer before turning in their embrace until he’s facing him. There’s a shadow over his face so Eric is almost unable to see his expression. What he notices though is Dele staring at his lips, his own ones a dark shade of pink, the cold night air turning them almost purple. Eric wants to warm them up with his own.

 

“Kiss me.” Dele whispers and Eric does.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again. I'm sorry for being late with the chapter ( again) but I hope you will enjoy it nonetheless. The first part of the chapter is responsible for the e rating ( I tried my best but somehow writing smut is very difficult for me . I hope it doesn't suck too bad ( lol) All in all I'm not the happiest with this chapter .
> 
> Thank you for the lovely comments, they made my day and my week. <3 Feedback is every writers motivation and yeah thank you! I'm happy you liked it. <3

 

It’s hesitant at first when their lips meet, but soon it doesn’t feel strange anymore. It’s soft and not soft at all and Eric can feel the desire running up his spine like an electric current. 

His skin is buzzing and tingling, the air charged with electricity. His hands reach to cup Dele’s face, pressing himself closer to the other boy. 

It’s exciting and new and yet Eric feels like he has been doing it for years. 

He doesn’t know who of them starts deepening the kiss but soon there’s tongue and teeth and Eric feels his blood rushing south. 

He feels too hot for his skin, a small sizzling flame  turning into a fire full of sensation.

 

Eric doesn’t know how they made it safely back inside of his house without falling from the roof. 

 

“Off.” He mutters tugging on Dele’s jumper and the other boy complies, throwing the garment onto the floor. Everything is too hot and  Eric just wants to feel skin on skin. He pulls his own shirt over his head and Dele grins at him. 

His eyes are dark, almost black, his pupils blown. 

There’s a raw hunger in Dele’s eyes Eric hasn’t seen before and it gives him a warm feeling deep inside his groin. 

 

It’s been a long time since he had any intimate physical contact with anyone, that this interaction hits him with full force.

 

It’s like he needs something only Dele can offer him and Eric is ready to have that part of Dele. 

 

“Bedroom?” He asks searching for any inscecurity on Dele’s face. He’s asking for permission because he knows where this will be going if they don’t put a stop to this now. 

Eric is already achingly hard in his pants and  he can tell that Dele is turned on too. It sends another thrill down his spine. He did that, with nothing but the touch of his mouth and Eric wonders what it would feel like to feel the weight of him against his tongue, hot and heavy.

 

_ God.  _

 

He really hopes Dele says yes and Dele does. It’s a small nod but he looks determined and so Eric doesn’t waste any time, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the direction of his bed. 

 

He pushes Dele until his back hits the matrass  with a loud thud. Dele grabs his neck before pulling Eric on top of him kissing him again. Eric groans at the contact, a spark of pleasure shooting through him. 

He needs to get rid of their pants. 

 

He wants nothing but bare skin against skin. He wants to feel all of him, wants to kiss every inch of his body. 

Eric pulls away from Dele’s lips for a moment before trailing kisses along his neck and continuing down his chest.

His hands caress over the smooth skin of Dele’s biceps while his lips continue exploring. Dele’s nipples are hard and dark and Eric blows over them softly before sucking lightly.

Dele moans and Eric feels the heat of that sound travel right through him.

 

_ Sensitive. _

 

He stores this new information at the back of his mind, for later use. Maybe.

 

His hands are now  stroking Dele’s sides before Eric’s mouth is reaches the soft hair trailing down his stomach into his pants.

Eric buries his nose inside the hair inhaling the earthy scent of the other man while his hands grab at the hem of Dele’s pants and start pulling. Dele lifts his hips from the bed, allowing Eric access to get rid of it.

He’s not wearing any underwear and Eric really should have guessed. His sweat pants had left only little to the imagination.

 

Eric has seen a lot of dicks in his life, mostly because of having to share a shower with other men as part of his job but it’s nothing compared to what he’s seeing now

 

Dele props himself up on his elbows from where he’s lying on the bed, staring at Eric in between his thighs.

His face his flushed from the heat and his lips dark and swollen, almost the same colour as his penis.

 

“Is something wrong?” Dele asks but Eric shakes his head. 

 

“Everything is perfect.” he says before giving Dele’s cock an experimental stroke. Dele groans before falling back down on the covers.

 

Eric lowers his lips, licking the hot flesh a few times before enclosing the tip with his mouth and sucking on it lightly.

He tries to get lost into the sensations of having Dele in his mouth, tries to listen to every sound Dele makes as a reaction to his ministrations.

It’s hot in a way Eric never expected, the way Dele’s thigh trembles under his palm and the way his hips jerk when Eric takes him even further into his mouth.

There are moans and little breaths Eric can’t get enough of and when Dele’s hands find their way into Eric’s hair, he has to concentrate on not coming before Dele does.

 

It doesn’t take long for Dele to come and Eric kisses him on the mouth after he’s done.

  
  
“You’re still half dressed.” Dele states and Eric breaks out of his trance. He feels hazy and a bit disoriented. 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“Naked.” Dele says. “ I want you naked. Equality and all that.” Eric huffs out a laugh but doesn’t need to be told twice, the rest of his clothes joining Dele’s on the floor.

 

He’s still hard, achingly so he lets out appreciate moan when Dele fingers find him. 

 

“What do you want to do?” Dele asks him, eyes intense and dark. Eric wants to get lost in them. 

 

“I want to fuck you.” he says because he really wants to. He wants Dele to be okay with it though, not wanting to hurt him in any way. 

 

Dele nods, cupping Eric's face with his hands and  threading his fingers through the light stubble on his cheeks before looking into Eric’s eyes, long and intense. It’s a look so intimate that Eric almost gets overwhelmed by the sheer feeling of content and security. 

 

“I want you, too.”

 

They go slow.  Eric collects the lube and a condom from his bedside table and places them next to him on his bed. Dele lies himself on his back, legs spread and Eric kneels himself between them.

 

He’s beautiful lying there like this, Eric thinks.

 

It’s tan skin against white sheets, defined muscles and relaxed features. Dele has one hand loosely curled around his cock, already half hard again.

 

Eric wants to touch him all over, so that’s what he does.

 

He starts at his collarbones, fingers dancing slow and deliberate, hands stroking over his firm chest, his nipples until he’s on his thighs. He feels Dele’s tremble under his palm, the tension and pleasure visible.

 

Eric smiles. 

 

He reaches behind Dele’s balls, stroking the sensitive skin there until he reaches his destination. 

 

He uncapps the lube and puts the clear gel on his fingers. It’s cool on his skin but he knows it will warm up quickly. 

With one last questioning look at Dele he starts pushing one finger behind the tight ring of muscle.

He wants Dele to get a feel for it, He wants him to feel good. When Eric doesn’t get complains he adds another finger.

Dele eyes are screwed shut, but he doesn’t look in pain. His hand is tugging at his dick lazely.

 

“Another? “ Eric asks and Dele nods. 

 

It's tight with three fingers in and Eric tries to wriggle around a bit trying to find what would make this experience even more pleasurable. He wants Dele to feel amazing.

 

He knows he found his prostate when Dele suddenly moans, hips jerking. When Eric does the motion again, Dele starts panting. 

 

“Oh god” he says and Eric smirks. “You can call me Eric.”

 

Dele looks like he wants to show him his middle finger or punch him but  Eric presses against his prostate again and the only answer Eric gets is a loud moan.

 

“Okay, okay stop. Get in me please.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yes, I’m ready.”

 

When Eric puts on the condom his fingers are shaking. He feels calm though. He just wants everything to be right. 

 

It ends up being more than alright.

 

When he pushes inside it feels like relief mostly. It also feels like coming home but Eric doesn’t concentrate on it. He wants to feel Dele, wants to know him and everything that makes him fall apart.

 

With every thrust he knows he’s getting closer. Dele’s  heels are on his bum pushing him even deeper and Eric let's out a groan. 

He’s never been vocal during sex, the fear of getting caught heavy on his mind.

 

Eric wants to let go.

 

Dele smiles at him before his eyes flutter close again, biting at his lips. Eric leans down to kiss him but he ends up only breathing into his mouth. 

 

He knows he’s close, his movement becoming more erratically.

His fingers reach for Dele’s cock, sandwiched between their bellies and he tugs on it once, twice before Dele is spilling over his hand, warm and sticky.

 

Eric follows soon after.

  
  


None of them feel like moving after and Eric doesn’t mind at all. He already feels tired, the haze of his orgasm consuming him and clouding all his senses.

 

He strokes over Deles hair once, smiling into his skin and Dele kisses him on the head. 

His eyes are already closed, chest rising evenly.

  
  


***

  
  
  
  


Eric is woken up reluctantly by the light spilling through the blinds rather than the shrill alarm of his mobile phone. He feels warm and comfortable, cuddled underneath the cozy blankets, the feeling of content clinging to him like a second skin. He opens his eyes blearily and for a moment he doesn’t know where he is, when he sees the back of another person’s head only centimeters from his own face, his lips nearly touching the soft skin at the base of their neck.

 

Dele. 

 

Eric thinks and the memories from last night come rushing back to him. His mind is full of tender moments and smile, love and soft words. His heart pushes against his ribs when he realises what actually happened.

  
“Oh shit.” he whispers out loud when Dele stirs next to him and Eric doesn’t dare to breathe. 

He untangles himself carefully from the other body as not to wake him before taking a deep breath. He’s staring at the ceiling trying to organize his thoughts for a moment. He’s suddenly very aware that both of them are naked and his skin is getting hot.

Eric can’t shake the feeling that something broke inside him. He has to get out of here. Out of this bed and out of this house. It’s all too much and he feels the panic rising in his chest, lungs getting tight.

 

Dele’s scent is clinging to his nose, hot and stuffy, the sweet smell of freshly picked roses is penetrating his heart painfully like thorns.

 

Eric can’t breathe, the lack of oxygen making his mind blurry.

 

He slowly pushes the blankets away, the warmth leaving him instantly and he pushes the urge to stay in bed away. 

 

He really wants to. He wants to take every minute and every second he gets with Dele like this. He wants to hold Dele, wants to go sleep with him every night, kiss him and make love to him.

 

He knows he has a big problem and an even bigger one if last night destroyed every piece of friendship they had left.

 

Eric is in love. 

 

_ What if Dele isn’t. _

 

What if, what if, what if.

 

His heart is hammering as if it’s running a marathon and Eric is scared. Scared of the future, scared of every word that Dele might say.

 

He reaches for some clothes on the floor blindly before looking at Dele’s sleeping form one last time. The white sheets are draped over his skin, dark eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks. He looks so innocent Eric thinks. Hairs curled against the pillow and Eric wants to touch, wants one last touch where he’s allowed to do just that. 

 

He doesn’t want to leave but he can’t stay either.

  
  


***

  
  


“I slept with Dele.” Eric says and Harry slowly places down his glas back on the kitchen counter.

 

“That’s good isn’t it?” Harry asks a look of confusion on his face. He looks like someone  woke him up, hair still tousled, dressed in a shirt and sweatpants. It’s no surprise since Eric kind of did wake up Harry in his panic.

 

Eric isn’t exactly proud of his little breakdown he had  earlier. He also isn’t proud of the way he just left Dele in his bed, still asleep. Dark skin against his fair pillows. He had looked so innocent and peaceful. Eric is sure that he’ll never get this image out of his head. Dele was beautiful and Eric was undeniably and totally completely in love with him that the thought of last night makes him burn all over again. 

The traces of Dele’s fingertips are still branded on his body, the movement of his tongue still present, the way their hearts were beating together still rings in Eric’s ears. 

 

It’s an, unbearable thought to think that this might be the only chance they had at being like this together.

 

They had sex.

They were Friends.

They were in a fake relationship.

 

Eric wants truth but he doesn’t know if that’s what Dele is able to give him. The day has been very emotional for both of them. His head is a mess and he’s freaking out.

 

“No, it’s not good at all.” He sighs, walking past Harry and sitting himself at his dining table. He lies his head down on the table, cheek pressed to the cold wood. There’s a napkin lying nearby and Eric’s fingers start fiddling with it.

 

He’s tired, but it’s not physically. His mind is drained, the last few days simply too much.  Ignoring his feelings and paying attention to them was exhausting.

 

Stupid Dele and his stupid smile. Eric desperately wants to hate him.

 

“Oh, was it  _ bad _ ?” Harry asks, joining him on the table.

  
  


“No.” Eric says because it was amazing, breathtaking even. His heart rate picks up again when he thinks about it.

 

“I don’t think actually understand what the problem is.” Harry says and Eric makes a sound between whining and sighing. He rubs his hands over his eyes, tiredly.  

 

“You’re in love, you have consensual sex,” Harry continues, “Wait, you did want to have sex with him, right? He didn’t force you to anything?” He looks concerned.

 

“What, no it was all… It’s just … we had sex.” Eric says helplessly because he doesn’t know how to explain all of it.

 

“Yeah, I got that from your previous statement telling me you slept with your boyfriend.” Harry scratches his beard. “Although I have to admit that I thought it had happened months ago.”

 

Eric shakes his head. “He’s not my boyfriend and I think that’s what the problem is.”

 

_ “What do you mean he’s not your boyfriend?” _

 

Eric shrugs picking at a loose thread on his sweat pants. They’re Dele’s. 

 

“It’s complicated.” Eric says, his bravery suddenly gone. He doesn’t know if he still wants to talk about it. He knew sooner or later it would be all crashing down on him but he didn’t actually think actual feelings would be involved.

 

_ Maybe because they’ve been there all along. _

 

He wants to run away.

 

“Things are only complicated if you let them be. Did you break up?” Harry asks and Eric wants to laugh.

 

“Can’t really break something that wasn’t there in the first place.” He says maybe a bit bitter.  

 

“It was all a lie. Well  _ not really _ a lie. I’m still gay, Dele is still gay.  It’s just that we’re not a couple.” Eric feels bad for lying to Harry and he wants to apologize but the words die on his tongue.

 

“Are you sure?” Harry says eyebrows furrowed together. Eric can almost see the corks screwing in his head.

 

Eric nods. He’s glad that Harry doesn’t ask any other questions. He promises himself to explain everything to his friend once he’s over his crisis. He feels incredibly confused.

  
  
  


Harry is still looking a bit suspicious as if he doesn’t believe anything that Eric is telling him. 

 

“But if you two had sex…” Harry trails off and Eric is reminded of the fact that Harry has been in a relationship with the same girl since forever and something as casual sex doesn’t make any sense to him.

 

Not that anything about it has been casual. 

 

“It was just sex.” Eric says because it was just that.

 

Meaningless, unconventional, extremely emotional sex.

 

“Then why are you freaking out?”  Eric takes a deep breath before answering.

 

“Maybe it wasn’t just sex. Maybe it was also a little bit of love.”  

 

“You _ do  _ love him huh?”

 

“Do you think Ivy is going to mind if I go and cuddle her bunnys a bit?” Eric asks because he’s done talking about it. He kind of regrets coming to Harry’s in the first place even though he knows talking about all of this helps ease his panic a bit.

 

He gets up, pushing the chair away before taking off into the direction where he knows Ivy is keeping her pets.  

They’re in the garden in a hutch, cuddled closely together munching on some hay. Eric is a dog person through and through but he loves animals especially if they are soft. 

 

“Eric,” Harry says warningly but he ignores it. He knows his friend  followed him outside. It’s freezing and it smells like rain. There are already a few drops of water landing on Eric’s shoulders.

 

“You can’t always run away from your feelings.”

 

“I’m not running away.” Eric says even though he’s well aware he did exactly  _ that _ . His mind goes back to Dele and he feels a rush of guilt surging through him.

 

“You’re a hopeless case.” Harry says taking the grey bunny out of Eric’s arms and cuddles it close to his chest. “It’s not a shame to be in love. It’s a great feeling. Why aren’t you taking a chance.”

 

“Maybe because I don’t want my heart broken.” 

 

“Who says it’s going to break.” 

 

“You wouldn’t understand.” Eric says because he’s getting frustrated.

 

“Why?” Harry asks, “ because you’re in love with a guy?”

 

“No.” Eric says hugging his chest, “because I don’t know if he loves me back.” There he said it. He feels vulnerable and strangely insecure about saying it out loud. He looks away from Harry staring at the sky. It’s grey and uncomfortable. Eric is sure it’s only a matter of time until there’s a thunder.

“We’re just friends.” Saying it out loud hurts and Eric feels defeated.

 

“Friends who shagged. You should probably talk about it with him, tell him what you just told me. Did Dele say anything to you this morning?” Harry asks. He kisses the bunny on his head before placing it back into the hutch, gently.

 

Eric grimaces, pressing his lips tightly together. “ I kind of left before he woke up.” 

 

Harry stares at him, blue eyes filled with disappointment. He shakes his head.

 

“That’s a right way to act like an arsehole.” He says and Eric knows. 

 

“You need to talk to him. If you’re lucky he will forgive you. I don’t know If i would.” Harry says and Eric feels even worse than before. He’d never wanted to hurt Dele and now in his fear to be hurt himself he did exactly that.

 

“You know it might be surprising what Dele has to say.” Harry says more gently this time. Eric feels a hand on his shoulder pulling him into a short hug. He closes his eyes.

 

Eric doesn’t want to get his hopes up, not when he’s convinced of the opposite.

 

_ Hope can only be crushed if it’s there in the first place. _

 

Harry seems to sense his inner struggle so he starts talking again.

 

“What I mean is that you two played your fake couple very convincingly. You two looked very much in love.” Harry pauses. “You  _ always _ looked in love.” 

 

It’s not exactly news but it makes Eric’s heart flutter nonetheless.

 

“How did you end up in bed with each other anyway?” Harry asks but then shakes his head. “No I don’t think I want to know.”

 

“Let’s just say it was a very emotional day.” He tries to smile but fails when he thinks about the things that had happened.

 

Harry sighs. “Eric, you know that what Smith said isn’t true, right?” 

 

“Yeah I know H.” He claps Harry on the back before going back inside Harry’s House.

  
  


***

 

When Eric gets back home he isn’t surprised to find his home empty. There’s no trace of Dele, the only sign of another person being here in the last hours are the rumpled sheets and the second dirty cup of tea on Eric’s bedside table.

 

He picks up the empty condom package from the floor before throwing it in the trash.

 

He really needs to think. Eric is scared but he has no choice but to make a decision.

 

***

 

_ “What's wrong? “ Eric asks when he spots Dele sitting on a bench, alone. They’re somewhere outside Dele’s house. It’s a quiet and peaceful avenue, trees planted along side it. Not many people walk there. _

 

_ Dele looks as if he’s  in his own world observing something Eric can’t see. He sits himself next to him, following Dele’s line of vision. _

 

_ The sun is shining for once in rainy Britain, red and gold leaves covering the ground, the bright colours in contrast to the ashen stones.  _

 

_ Eric loved the fall, something about it made him almost calm. Summer was when he felt alive, spring was like a light breeze and winter heavy on his bones.  _

_ In autumn he felt content, cozy. _

 

_ “Nothing. “Dele says and then: “Everything.” _

 

_ “Want to talk about it?” Eric asks because that’s what good friends ask. _

 

_ “No.” Dele says shaking his head. _

 

_ “Okay.”  _

 

_ There’s silence between them, it’s not awkward, just quiet. The wind is rustling through the trees and Eric shivers. He should have brought a thicker jacket.  _

 

_ “Do you see those two guys over there?”  _

 

_ Eric does see them. Two guys, one a bit taller than the other. They are both wearing coats, dark and camel. A couple, closely pressed together. There’s no mistake there, not when the taller man presses a kiss to the other man’s dark crown of hair. _

 

_ A weird feeling settles in Eric’s stomach, something he always feels when he sees same sex couples giving each other affection on the streets. Maybe it’s longing, he doesn’t know. _

 

_ He’s painfully aware of the fact  that he hasn’t talked with Dele about it, hasn’t mentioned it once and now Dele clearly wants to talk about it.  _

 

_ Eric’s heart is throbbing loudly in his chest and he’s sure Dele is able to hear it. He swallows, his throat dry.  _

 

_ “Yeah.” Eric says trying to sound normal as if every nerve in his body isn’t on high alert.  _

 

_ Eric isn’t good at keeping secrets but there’s one thing about himself that he knew how to hide. _

 

_ “They look happy.” Dele says and Eric inhales sharply. There’s still tension in every muscle of his body. _

 

_ “Do you think..”Dele starts but then pauses, looking away and on the ground for a moment, obviously searching for the right words.  _

 

_ “Do you think that.. No nevermind it’s stupid” he says, shaking his head and pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands.   _

 

_ “Do I think what?” Eric asks because he wants to know, he’s got his suspicion as to what Dele wants to tell him and the prospect of it leaves him excited. Maybe that means he can tell him too. _

 

_ “Do you think that in an alternative universe those two guys might be football players? Or even just one of them?” It’s a question so simple and yet heavily loaded with implication that Eric is stunned. _

 

_ He scratches his head, thinking for a moment.  He wants to believe in it and maybe Dele needs something to believe in too. _

 

_ His heart is pounding fast and controlled, there are words ready to spill out of his mouth. _

 

_ “That’s going to be me one day.” Eric says it before he can stop himself. He wants Dele to feel safe to tell him and he wants to allow himself to know that there is someone out there just like him.  _

 

_ Dele’s looking at him, face blank thinking. Eric hates that he can’t read it in a situation like this.  _

_ The seconds of silence that follow Eric’s statement are the longest seconds of his life. There’s a strong gust of wind, whirling up the leaves on the ground into a spiral. Eric tries to focus on it instead of his pounding heart. _

 

_ “Yeah. Me, too.”  _

 

_ It’s all Dele says and Eric wants to take him into his arms. It’s a huge revelation for both of them but Eric can’t help the smile blooming on his face, bright and relieved. _

 

_ Dele mirrors him and their shoulders bump. It’s the best Eric has felt in years. There’s more room in his chest now and he wonders how long he’ll be able to breathe freely. _

 

_ “Are you surprised?” Eric asks because he’s curious.  _

 

_ “Nah.” Dele says shaking his head, eyes focused on the couple that is slowly vanishing from their view. _

 

_ Eric furrows his eyebrows because he thought he was good at hiding it. Maybe it was obvious for someone that was looking. _

  
  


_ “It’s just... You never had a girlfriend, you never talk about girls. All the boys constantly talk about them. I guess i just thought, maybe hoped, you’d be the same way. I didn’t want to be alone.” _

 

_ "You're not alone." Eric says but Dele shakes his head. "We kinda are." he replies and somewhere hidden the back of his mind Eric knows it is the truth. _

 

_ *** _  
  


Eric is torn. His heart is torn. He doesn’t know what to do, he knows what he should be doing. 

 

***

 

_ “Life is like a painting. Take the brush and paint your own picture.” Dele says before pouring himself another glass of water.  _

 

_ “What does this tell me exactly?” Eric asks but not taking his eyes off his phone. He has never heard this kind of idiom before and he’s pretty sure that it isn’t a real one anyway. _

 

_ “It tells you to stop worrying!” Dele says before snatching the phone out of Eric’s hand and putting it in his back pocket. Eric glares at him but Dele just sticks his tongue out at him. _

 

_ “I’m not worrying. “Eric says because he isn’t. He’s perfectly worry free. _

 

_ Dele just gives him a look, brown eyes boring into his skull as of he’s trying make Eric admit the truth by mind control. _

 

_ Fine, maybe he is worrying but who can blame him.  _

 

_ It’s the end of may, only a few weeks left before the world cup in Russia. Eric hasn’t received his call yet. _

 

_ Everyone else already had gotten their call  and theoretically Eric knows he should be on the team but how was he supposed to know. _

 

_ “He’s going to call! You've been great this season, Southgate would never leave you behind.” Dele says reassuringly before pulling Eric on his arm, forcing him to sit down on the couch. _

 

_ “You don’t know that.” Eric says, closing his eyes and letting his head fall against the back cushions. _

 

_ “Wrong. I do know that and you know that too.” Dele says, tapping his finger against Eric’s forehead.  “You already painted the picture and that picture shows you on the pitch in Russia.” Dele says before adding: “With me of course.” _

 

_ “Of course.” Eric sighs. “It might be better if I don’t go anyway.” _

 

_ “What,why?” Dele asks. _

 

_ “The situation in Russia isn't exactly safe.” It would be physically but mentally Eric isn’t so sure. _

 

_ “We just have to focus on football.” Dele says but he doesn’t sound that convinced either. _

  
  
  


_ *** _

  
  


Eric doesn't want to always focus on football anymore. He’s old enough to want other things. He wants to be in love, he wants someone that is in love with him.

 

_ You might be surprised at what Dele has to say.  _

 

Maybe Eric should listen to him. He did say something after all.  It’s not always words that tell things, maybe Dele showed it to him.

 

Last night had meant something and Eric is ready to find out what.

 

 ***

 

_ “What is that?”  Eric asks surprised when Dele hands him the small package. It’s wrapped in red and green with little Christmas trees scattered across the wrapping paper.  _

 

_ “Did I miss  Christmas?” Eric could swear it had been september yesterday.  _

 

_ “Shut up.” Dele says. “I had nothing else. So are you going to open it or not?” _

 

_ Eric carefully rips open the package. Inside there’s a brown box. Simple and plain, made out of wood.  _

 

_ He opens it curious curiously. There’s a  shell, white and nacre, sitting on a satin cloth. It’s big and flat, expanding like a fan at the sides. _

 

_ It’s beautiful, Eric thinks.  _

 

_ “It’s from a beach in Portugal.” Dele tells him before Eric can ask. “Or so the vendor told me. I saw it in a store and thought of you.” _

 

_ Eric strokes over the shell, the surface rough. There are a few grains of sand still on the shell and Eric can smell the salt of the sea. _

 

_ “Maybe it can help you feel at home.” _

 

_ Eric hasn’t had a strong urge to return to Portugal in years but lately homesickness had hit him more than ever. There was no denying that he missed the country he grew up in. He wonders how Dele knew. He didn’t like to talk about it with anyone. _

  
  


_ “Thank you, Del. “Eric says and he means it.  _

 

_ “You’re welcome.” Dele says and gives him a smile, warm and soft.  Eric wants to put it into the box with the shell and keep it.  _

 

_ *** _

 

Maybe the little things meant big things and Eric behaved like a complete arse.

 

He takes the shell out of the box where he had kept it since last year, eyeing it for a moment. It was a nice gesture. Touching and so thoughtful.

 

The shell had always kept him at ease, calming him when he didn’t feel as if he was on the right place. It reminded him that there was more than one place on earth for him.

It told him that he was loved.

  
  
  


***

 

Eric had to find Dele.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up : the last chapter and a little epilogue at the end


	6. Chapter 6

Eric calls Dele nine times. Nine times he doesn’t get an answer. He realises that Dele must be mad at him.

 

He can’t blame him if he’s being honest with himself. No one likes waking up alone.

 

They’re still friends and after Eric’s talk with Harry he feels a little bit more confident that there’s more between them. Dele is his best friend and he’s going to do everything for it so what they have isn’t ruined.

 

He sends Dele a text, short and simple:  _ Where are you? _

 

While he waits for an answer, Eric flips through the pictures on his phone. He stops when he sees the photographs they have taken on their date in the zoo, Richard being kind enough to send them too him. He never actually looked at them before, it all reminded him of the things they had to go through when they got outed.

 

Moments like these felt way to private for prying eyes, even though they were made for the world to see.

 

Eric still has these moments where it all feels wrong. He never regretted his decision of coming out, not denying it when he could have.

 

He feels more free and light but it’s been difficult and he doesn’t like the fact that it’s never been about _ them _ .

 

Dele and him got caught up in a mess of media and people thinking that they are entitled to know what’s happening in their private life. It’s been too much that  Eric didn’t know what was even happening.

 

The anxiety he felt this morning catches up with him again and he wants it all to stop.

 

It’s time that it’s all about them. It’s time that they get their lives together and that Eric can tell Dele how he feels about him.

 

It’s love and there’s nothing fake about it. It’s scary and totally unpredictable but Eric is willing to try.

 

He hopes Dele is too.

 

They look happy on the pictures, smiling and relaxed.

 

They  _ could  _ be happy. The world thinks they are in love anyway and now Eric needs to tell his world too.

 

It could be a new beginning for the both of them. 

He doesn’t get any text back and Eric starts to get worried. He knows Dele can be an asshole when he’s pissed but he’s only silent when he’s hurt.

 

He pockets his phone, searching for an umbrella before he’s making his way out of his front door for a second time that day.

  
  
  


***

 

Dele is home and Eric’s skin is itching from the cold and maybe something else. Waiting for the door to open takes too long in his opinion. He has got things to say.

 

“What do you want.” Dele says not greeting him or offering to come inside. He’s standing leaned against his door frame, arms crossed over his chest. 

 

Eric flinches. Dele doesn’t sound pissed, just resigned and Eric hates it.  He looks tired, eyes sunken.

 

When Eric doesn’t say anything Dele seems to get impatient.

 

“ _ What do you want. _ ”

 

Eric stays quiet for another few moments. He knows what he wants, but he also wants to apologize. So he settles for that.

 

“I’m sorry.” He says and he means it.

 

“Sorry for what.” Dele asks and Eric tells him. “I’m sorry for sleeping with you.” 

 

It’s not the truth but not a lie either. He doesn’t regret it but he still wishes he didn’t do it. He wishes they had the chance to talk about it first.

 

“Well, so all is fine.” Dele says sounding like everything is indeed  _ not _ fine.

 

“I thought you don’t lie.” Eric says before he can help himself and Dele scoffs. “I never lied more in my life than I did to you.”

 

The words sting more than Eric wants to admit.  Maybe he deserved it, maybe he didn’t.

 

Dele seems to sense that the words hurt him because the expression on his face softens. There’s still something in his eyes that tell Eric he’s not forgiven yet.

 

He knows it’s not a conversation they should have on Dele’s doorstep but they’re having it anyway.

 

“Maybe we should terminate our relationship.” Eric says and cringes internally at the words because he knows how that sounds. It’s like the words don’t want to come out like he wants to and they’re twisting themselves into a hot mess. 

 

Dele’s eyes stay hard, there’s not even one twitch in his face. He looks like a rainy and stormy night in November. It’s unsettling.

 

“If that’s what you want.” Dele says tone neutral. He looks like he doesn’t care about anything. He has shut down and Eric rather has him angry or yelling.

 

It finally started raining and Eric can feel the drops falling down on his neck. The umbrella is still unopened in his hand.

 

He wants to ask if they could continue their conversation inside but Dele takes the decision out of his hands when he closes the door behind him, stepping out of his house.

 

“If you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere to be.” Dele says as he pushes himself past Eric, throwing the hood of his jumper over his head to shield him from the rain.

 

He’s walking off and all Eric can do is look after him, stunned.

  
  
  
  


That could have gone better, he thinks. Dele is stubborn and Eric hasn’t been able to really apologize for his behaviour. They didn’t talk.

 

He takes a deep breath, before turning on his feet and hurrying after Dele into the rain.

  
  


“Shit.” Eric curses, the rain is cold and hard, knowing no mercy. He already feels the wetness soaking through his clothes. He briefly thinks about using the umbrella, but he knows it’s useless now anyway.

  
  


It’s not easy seeing things, the rain getting into his eyes. He more or less stumbles until he spots Dele on a familiar bench, seemingly not fazed by the rain at all.

 

He’s already drenched and Eric wants to scold Dele for not bringing a jacket  but  he keeps his mouth shut. 

 

Instead he sits down next to Dele and hopes he hasn’t lost a friend.

 

For a moment there’s silence. Only the drumming of the rain on the asphalt can be heard, loud and like it’s playing its own melody.

 

It’s calming in a way and Eric imagines them sitting in front of a fireplace, listening to the cracking of the flames while the rain falls outside.  

 

He tries again:

 

“I’m sorry.” He says  it’s too often he says those words. “I’m sorry for leaving that morning, I’m sorry for not saying anything. I’m sorry for not being  _ there _ . I’m sorry you had to wake up alone.”

 

He means it. Every word of it. 

 

When Dele doesn’t say anything, Eric takes it as a sign that he’s listening and he exhales in relief  before continuing with his speech.

 

“There’s a reason for it though. Why I left I mean.” He pauses.  “I was scared.” 

 

It’s a simple reason that’s not simple to explain and it’s not easy for Eric to admit it. He doesn’t like feeling vulnerable. 

  
  


“I was scared of what might happen the next morning.” He says staring straight ahead, fingers threaded together. The rain is getting less forceful now and there are less drops falling down. 

 

“Scared of Rejection.” 

 

It’s the truth and all what Eric can give him. He hopes Dele understands. Talking about emotions have never been his strength, he never knew how to put them into words.

 

He knows how to be angry and he knows how to be quiet. Years of keeping something so fundamentally linked to his emotions a secret didn’t help his matter either.

 

“So you went and rejected all of  _ me _ .” It’s quiet and Eric almost doesn’t hear it but the words shatter something inside his chest. It’s a cold and clammy feeling and it’s not because his shirt is soaked. They’re both are going to be ill at the end of the night. It’s going to be a nightmare the next time they have training for a number of reasons. The red cards are not forgotten but for once Eric doesn’t care.

 

Some things are more important than football, sometimes people are worth it. 

 

Dele is worth it.

 

“If I could turn back time,” Eric says equally quiet,  “I would. I’d even make you breakfast in bed.” He smiles tiredly, worn out from everything.

 

When Dele finally looks at him,  Eric can see that his eyes are a bit puffy.  There’s wetness on his face, drops pearling on his forehead.

 

“Are you crying?” Eric asks concerned, reaching out to touch Deles face. “Or is that a raindrop on your cheek?” 

 

“What do you think?” Dele asks, he’s cautious but not guarded anymore.

 

“Hmm let me see.” Eric says before kissing his cheek. It’s soft not with much pressure. He feels Deles eyes flutter close at the contact.

 

“I’m not sure.” Eric says licking his lips. He can taste the salt but he wants to put his mouth on every inch of Dele’s face.

 

“Maybe you need to try again.” Dele says eyes fixed onto Eric and he doesn’t need to be told twice.

 

He kisses his nose, soft and light, then his cheeks, both of them, his eyelids, until he reaches Dele’s lips. They are wet from the rain, maybe tears but Eric presses against them. 

 

It’s only minimal  like a feather  but it’s enough. It’s short and sweet and Eric wants more, wants to taste his lips again, just like he did in their night together. 

 

He has time though, he thinks. This time he wants to make it right.

 

Dele’s eyes are closed, stunned and Eric wants to say  _  I love you.  _

 

Somehow this boy had managed to creep himself deep into Eric’s heart  that there was  no way to ever letting him go. 

He build his home there and Eric feels it in every cell of his body.

 

All he wants to know is if Dele is feeling the same way.

 

“I love you.” This time Eric says it out loud. It’s a strange feeling, the way the words roll of his tongue. It’s not bad, he just isn’t used to it.

 

Dele says nothing and the tension is killing him.

 

“You’re an idiot, Dier.” Dele says and Eric silently agrees. “You’re a big fat idiot.” He shakes his head but Eric sees him smile.

 

“Kisses in the rain?” Dele asks, eyebrows raised. “That’s pretty gay even for you.”

 

“Oh, did I forget to say #no homo?” Eric laughs, bumping his shoulder with Dele’s. “I obviously meant  _ I love you _ in a complete platonic way.”

 

Dele giggles and it brings sunshine into Eric’s heart. He feels warm all over, the cold from his wet clothes instantly forgotten.

 

“I love you too, fathead.” Dele says and he searches for Eric’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Dele’s hands are cold and wet but Eric doesn’t mind.

 

He wants to never let go.

 

_ Dele loves him too. _

  
  


“So what now?” Eric asks because he has to know.

 

_ What does this mean for us _ .

 

Dele shrugs. “It means what it always meant. It’s us.”

  
  


_ Us against the world. _

  
  


 

 

_ **** _ EPILOGUE***

 

“Diet, hurry up.” Dele yells from somewhere and Eric groans in frustration. He’s trying to tie his tie but he’s having troubles with it. He knows how to do it, has done it a million times but apparently today it just won’t work.

 

“I’m coming” he yells back, throwing the piece of fabric onto the hotel bed. He’s wearing a suit, black and sleek, ready to attend the wedding of one of his best friends. 

 

No,  _ two _ of them. 

  
  


It’s been a long and eventful year, one that didn’t want to end but now it’s summer again and Eric feels light.

 

He’s happy and excited for today. Both him and Dele have been visiting a lot european cities in the last years with the team. Playing champions league and international friendlies. Now he’s somewhere in a hotel room in Austria, attending a wedding with Dele as his plus one. He’s Dele’s plus one too and it’s a strange feeling that they are doing it together.

 

He’s in love and it’s nothing special.

  
  


When he steps outside, Dele is already waiting for him. He’s dressed in a similar attire, a black suit and a white button down. There are a few buttons open at the collar, showing bits of Dele’s chest.

 

“You look very handsome.” Eric tells him because it’s true. Dele rolls his eyes at him before pecking him on the lips as a greeting. 

 

“Save the compliments for the happy married couple.”

 

“They’re not married yet.” Eric remarks because they aren’t but Dele just takes his hand and shoves him into a taxi. 

 

“I can’t believe they are getting married. Before us.” Dele whines and Eric laughs.

 

“They’ve been dating a lot longer than we have,” He points out and then “You want to get married?”

_ With me. _

 

Dele shrugs. “Someday. Maybe. If you want to.”

 

“Is that a proposal?” Eric asks raising one eyebrow at Dele.

 

“Nah.” He says and Eric doesn’t know if he wanted it to be one. “It’s more like a promise or an idea for the future.” Dele adds.

 

“An idea for the future sounds good.” Eric agrees. He would love to get married to Dele one day but there’s no rush.

  
  


The church is packed, full of people Eric doesn’t know. Family of the grooms. He spotts Harry Kane and Pochettino talking animatedly with each other. Eric gives them a little nod as a greeting before he and Dele are taking their seats.

 

The building is beautiful, gothic and full of colorful sculptures. It’s a nice place for a wedding.

 

“Do you think Sonny has got a special handshake prepared?” Dele whispers in Eric’s ear when it’s time for the ceremony to begin.

 

“I hope for the sake of Kevin that he doesn’t.” He whispers back although it definitely would be a very Sonny thing to do.

  
  


When it’s time for Kevin and Sonny to exchange their vows, everything is quiet. It feels almost wrong watching them exchanging the words. It’s too intimate, every sentence bleeding emotions. Eric has been on a few weddings over the past years, his siblings all tying the knot but it’s not quite the same.

 

Kevin standing in his black suit at the altar, staring at Sonny as if he’s the most precious thing in the world makes Eric’s heart melt.

 

He doesn’t cry but it the ceremony leaves an impact on him. 

 

When it’s all over, he steals a rainbow coloured rose from one of the bouquets and puts it in the front pocket of Dele’s suit.

 

He feels proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. It's the end :) I hope you enjoyed the story and please let me know what you thought of it <3


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